Let’s just get something straight here okay? I do not have an accent. You do. In actual fact, South Africans have the most pure and perfect English accent you can think of. It is a little known fact that we speak with the most delightful English accent - and the purest of them all. I didn’t suck this from my thumb - it comes all the way from a very well known study of languages by Oxford University. Please do go and do a fact check. (And let me know if you find it because I couldn’t).
There is one snag however. I am not English. And we have 11 official languages in South Africa. Don’t laugh. Some countries don’t even have an official language. The problem is that we do not have a uniform accent. But people pretty much know where I come from when I open my mouth. Well, maybe they don’t. They knew in the UK and all over Africa, but have no clue in most other countries.
I don’t know how many times it has happened to me. It always starts the same way. I open my mouth and someone will look up and stare at me. Now I know I am one damn handsome dude (why else would babies cry when they see me?), but no reason to stare really. The stare is generally followed by a “I loooove your accent”. Thank you my dear, now can I just please pay for the cream and plaster to fill this gaping wound in my neck?
I hardly ever say it. I hardly ever respond to the “I love your accent” comment”. I just tilt my head slightly, look up with my narrowed eyes, nod slightly, and let my mouth curl up slightly at the edges for a seductive smile. It’s what I call my “French look”. It’s the only time I feel somewhat seductive and mysterious. Me. Old Johnnie Foreigner. Okay, generally the people wake up from their daydream when I look up completely and they can see my whole face - then their stare of admiration turns into a look of horror. That’s when the shouting and screaming starts, “Is that your real face?”, “hide the children!”, and “run, it might be contagious!”.
That I can handle. What I can’t handle is when someone asks me whether I am Australian. You’re a snag short of a barbie , mate. I ain’t no Aussie. Or a Kiwi for that matter. Dinkum no! We fight them on the rugby field each year and that’s enough. Thank you. Of course I have to just check if they know who are the rugby world champions? Say it… say it… Yes! South Africa! (Let’s not talk cricket okay? And what’s up with Aussie rules?) But it could be worse. I could be called an Englishman I guess! I share a love for winning in sport, a good braai (barbie) and a cold Castle (XXXX) with my Kiwi and Wallaby friends. Not so with the Brits.
I mean really. Do I look all pale and have bad teeth? (Okay, drop the bad teeth part.) People love to say, “I love your English accent.” Really mate, I don’t have an English accent. In fact, the English don’t even have an English accent. Been to Newcastle, Birmingham or Liverpool lately? Try and make out what the hell they are saying. They haven’t spoken English there since… since… well, I long, long time. The only English accent you can find anywhere is on the BBC and we all know they grow them artificially in the same lab where they got Dolly the Sheep.
Of course it is a really big problem when I order something. I love Starbucks. Triple Grande Latte is my fix. But hell. Why do they have to ask me for my name? They can never get it right. I say it and spell it for them. And then it comes out as something only the Hungarian dude standing next to me understands. And I don’t know what it means, but he didn’t react very well to it. So I took the advice of a friend (an Aussie - some of my best friends are Aussies) who said I should just have a Starbucks name. A name they can get when I say it. So I tried a few before I found one that works. I tried Tucker. Didn’t work - the guy kept on shouting “F*k you to mate”. I tried Richard - the guy kept on telling me I am a dick. I tried John - and that turned into Jane (must have been the dress). So I gave up. Now I am just known as “A”. And they still ask me to spell it for them.
But it works wonders at work though. My accent that is. I work with loads of global companies. And whenever I speak they listen. Because I must be smart. I mean really, just listen to my accent. My colleagues keeps on saying that I get away with murder because of my accent. I just smile and try and sound all continental. Saying things like, “Well, like Mandela once told me…”, or “I once found this little shop in Oxford…”, or “oh that, no we all have hair growing out of there in Africa…” At work I am just the pretty accent in the corner.
The worst though is meeting someone who actually recognizes my accent. “You from South Africa?” “Yes dear, I am.” ”Oh great! I have a friend who lives in Africa. Maybe you know her?” I am not joking - it happens more often than what you think. We all know each other. Of course we do. And we all look the same as well. (Actually, the most disturbing thing is that half of the time I actually do know the person!)
Yes. Me and my accent. I love my accent. Even though I don’t know I have one. It’s mine. Even though I don’t know how to say my name in English. A, just A.
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14 responses so far ↓
alisha9 // April 2, 2008 at 10:09 pm
Funny. I heard myself talking on television last month and was flabbergasted at what I heard. . . a southern ‘accent’!! Didn’t know I had an ‘accent’ either!
undergroundnetwork // April 2, 2008 at 11:07 pm
Ah, accents! Everyones got one, and no one thinks they do.
I think one thing that made Flight of the Conchords so amusing for me, were the accents. Not the actual accents, I’m a kiwi, but the recurring jokes surrounding their New Zealand accents. The confusion with the kiwi and the oz accents in particular in the ‘racist’ episode. I also like the one where the girl mocks Jermaine’ s accent, to which Murray says, “no that sounds more South African”. I would have thought i would be impossible to confuse the kiwi and Saf accents, but apparently not!
My girlfriend is South African and I can hardly understand her father’s afrikaans accent! Any hints?
And yeah, well done on the Rugby World Cup, South Africa deserved it, although it was a shame a certain English ref deprived the Boks of the only other competition!
Finally, I use a starbuck’s name, turns out Paul sounds like Ball! I just say anything, see what they will turn it into! A mate named Andy got Angel!
Paul
Sarah // April 3, 2008 at 8:23 am
I get the same thing, about something completely different. Since I am a (natural) redhead, it is assumed that I am very closely related to every single other redhead on earth. And that I must know them all.
People are also very happy to tell me that ‘your kind’ will be extinct in 100 years. I’m always tempted to deliberately misunderstand.
fairbanksfancygoods // April 3, 2008 at 11:33 am
So funny! A new favorite…
But, Tucker? Really? Personally, I think its a lekker name!
xo
Harriet
Keven Bennett (53_2) // April 3, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Hate to tell you this, but you MUST have an accent. I mean, really!
You come from the Southern Hemisphere, you know. That’s why. Thats that place where when toilets flush, the draining water swirls backwards (not true!) and the stars are also upside down (also not true!). Yes, THAT place…
You know, the one where they have the gall to have summer smack in the middle of winter!
NORTHERNERS UNITE!!!!
Just kidding!
Have a nice, day, er, uh, night, er, whatever it is you southern hemisphere individuals have when we have daytime…
Chicana Skies // April 3, 2008 at 6:24 pm
Funny, I was thinking of writing up a piece on my blog about accents and how much I love them and how much they fascinate me…that’ll be in the works.
I must say that the South African coloured accent is one of my favorites.
My South African friends loved to make fun of our American accents, all nasal-y and stuff, LOL.
Odette // April 4, 2008 at 3:44 am
@ Chicana Skies
Your favourite accent is the South African Coloured accent? Good heavens! I’ve never met anyone who cites the Coloured accent as their favourite. Next time you come to Cape Town, drinks are on me. This Coloured lady welcomes you with open arms.
@ Angry African
It’s funny but just this morning I was musing about the different South African accents and Coloured accents in particular (me being one of the lovely brown people).
What do you think of people who rip off the Afrikaner accent? The SA comedian Cokey Falkow specialises in ripping off the various SA accents and cultures and he has a Friday morning slot on Heart 104.9 where he does the characters Poggie Poggenpoel and Sipho. He starts off his ‘traffic’ report with “This are Poggie Poggenpoel…” in a thick Afrikaans accent.
Doe Afrikaners ever get tired of being ripped off like this? I ask because sometimes I get tired of the stereotypical Coloured accent employed whenever anyone wants to be funny about Coloureds.
Laura // April 4, 2008 at 1:12 pm
I was in the US last year and I nearly laughed out loud the first time I heard someone speak about eyerack (Iraq). Of course, they weren’t joking so its a good thing I didn’t laugh! Here (SA) people only ever pronounce it like that when they are kidding around
But on a different note - your blog is SO true. Eish, my personal worst when I was in the US was when people went “aaah your accent is so cute!” and then proceeded to TRY AND COPY ME! And came out with some sort of weird British thing!
a broad // April 4, 2008 at 7:06 pm
It is one thing to have a south african accent but a totally different thing to speak souff effrican! well done on making the top 10!
a broad // April 4, 2008 at 7:13 pm
Oh, one more thing. I just laugh when hollywood tries to do the south african accent in movies. why bother with the voice coach, just get one of the brilliant sa actors to do the bit. but also, it is not the words that are said, the whole thing about the great South African way of speaking is the way the words are said! ‘I am going to slap you” just does not do the same thing as “I will give a snot klap one time!”
Vasco Pyjama // April 4, 2008 at 8:11 pm
Heh. In Kabul, I once mistook a South African accent for a Kiwi accent. The person was mortified. Particularly given that I am Australian. But Kiwi accents are highly variable and some are so thick (thuck) that they sound South African.
Anyhow, I constantly get told that I have a British accent… but only ever by Americans and Australians. To the British ear, I am distinctively ‘Strine.
And have you ever heard the way Strayerns abuse the word ‘piss’?
Danny Bloom // April 7, 2008 at 3:15 am
What I like is how Uhmericans pronouce karaoke as “carry okie” (WRONG!) and sake as “sah-kee” (WRONG AGAIN). Then againg, Japanese cannot pronounce “lucky” correctly either. I wonder what accent God has?
mulig // April 7, 2008 at 6:27 am
Like David Bowie said: “I’m afraid of Americans. I’m afraid of the world. I’m afraid I can’t help it. I’m afraid I can’t. … God is an American.”
Turnbaby // April 23, 2008 at 3:53 pm
I soooooo have an acccent. But it’s rather pleasant and people seem fond of it.
I’ve known a few folks from South Africa–not certain where precisely–through my dealings with horses. The accent is lovely
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