I take the train every day. Going in to work and going home. Me and my commute. Pretty lame. Same train in and same train out. Most mornings I get a seat and sit down and just listen to my iPod and go through my Bloglines. Some mornings it is packed. Just packed liked sardines. And this morning was one of those mornings.
I got a seat though – an aisle seat. It wasn’t that full when I got on. I opened my laptop and starting going through my morning routine. But the train filled up pretty quickly – more than the usual (damn Boston marathon). A few stops later an older gentleman tapped me on the shoulder and asked if he could take the middle seat. No problem. I got up and he shuffled in. Oh, he was a gentleman all right. He had a bow-tie on! On a Thursday morning people! Anyway, as I was about to sit down I saw her. This older lady standing next to me in the aisle.
There was no seat for her. All taken. So I closed my laptop and slipped it into my backpack. Looked at her and pointed to my seat. Mouthed, “please take this one”. (I still had my iPod on so couldn’t talk.) She looked somewhat bewildered. Not sure what I was doing. I paused the iPod and said, “Please take this seat“. She tried to argue and shook her head. But I wasn’t having any of it. I got out the way and moved sideways so that she had little choice but to take the seat. She looked at me while I closed my bag and flipped it on my back and was still looking at me when I straightened up. She smiled. It was a warm smile that said thank you in a million ways, but I could see in her face that she was still a little bit puzzled. Wondering what the hell I was doing. I smiled back and moved on.
I walked to the front of the carriage where I was planning on standing for the next twenty odd minutes. As I walked I realized that she had no clue why I did it. Why I got out of my seat. Why I smiled politely and asked her to take my seat. And she didn’t have a chance to hear my accent either – I hardly spoke. And she wouldn’t be able to hear it clearly over the noisy train in any case.
I got to my new standing room and looked around me. I was pretty much one of a handful of people standing. But we stopped at a few more places on the way to my station - Back Bay. And each time more people will get on and stand with me. And many of them were women. No one got up to offer their seat. No one. Not the young dude sitting on the seat next to where I stood. He was busy on his laptop and listening to his iPod. Not the youngish guy sitting next to him. He was busy eating his yogurt and muesli. Not the middle-aged man sitting on the seat behind them. He was reading the newspaper. Not a single one of them got up and offered their seat. And I wondered why.
Why don’t these men get up and offer their seats? Are they to selfish? Or are they just too involved in their reading or music or eating? Are they just too involved in themselves to notice? Are they so lost in themselves that they don’t realize there is a world around them? Are they so self-absorbed in their belief that they own the world that they don’t realize those who love them and gave berth to them are all arounf them? Are they so self-obsessed that they don’t notice they are not the centre of the universe? Don’t they notice the women around them?
Was I brought up wrong? My mother taught me to respect women. Not only in what she said, but in the way she brought me up. And the way she treated me and expected me to treat other people. Where did she go wrong? Am I wrong in getting up and offering (almost insisting) my seat to the older lady? Am I being sexist in getting up and letting a woman take my seat? Am I just being a stereotypical male in trying to be nice and respectful?
Some would argue yes. And so be it. I won’t try to convince them. But I won’t stop getting up. No I won’t. I will continue to offer my seat. I believe that men and women are equal. I have two daughters and fiercely proud of them. They can rule the world if they want. There is nothing they can’t do. There is no man better than them on this earth. Oh men would like to believe they are better. But they are not. They are just men. No better than women. The best they can hope is that they are not too far behind.
But me believing in equality doesn’t mean that I don’t think that men are different from women either. We are different. Just take off your clothes and have a look. You’ll notice a few things that stand out. Or not. Men and women are equals. But men and women are different. Note that we have two words to describe the two of us. But being different doesn’t mean we are not equal. We are. We just treat each other differently.
And I won’t stop doing it. I open the doors for women because it is my way of showing respect. I get up and offer my seat because I want to show them I do honor them. I offer them my place in the queue because I want them to know we are not all bastards.
Women are treated differently. And most of the time not in a good way. Want that job? Be prepared to be paid less. Be prepared to be overlooked for promotion. Want to get married? Be prepared to cook, clean, work and be the sex-kitten. Be prepared to change your name. And it is women who are beaten by their partners. And it is women who are raped. And it is men that kill their wives. And it is men that cheat. Oh don’t tell me it happens the other way around as well. I know that. But the difference? More men do it. Far too many men. And somehow those figures have made it more “acceptable” to expect it from men. The murders and the rapes and the cheating. Yes. We are equal. But different. In the way we treat each other.
And the men come home from work and slowly drain the soul of their wives. Listening, but never listening. There, but never being there. Never wondering what their wives did while they were at work. And what their wives lives have become. Never thinking whether the dreams of their wives might have involved more than just being their partner, cleaning the house, cooking the meal and bringing up the kids. Serving the men. Slowly suffocating. Women. Equal. But different.
So sorry if I open the door. Sorry if I offer my seat. Sorry if I smile. Sorry if I make way for you to go first. Sorry if I offer to hold your bag or push your trolley. Sorry if I do these things. I don’t mean to offend. I don’t mean in any way that you are less than me. I don’t want to insult you. It’s just my little way of saying sorry. Sorry that I am one of them. Sorry for what you have to face each day. Sorry for a life that isn’t fair. Sorry for the bastards that don’t even know they are doing it. But most of all. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for putting up with us. Thank you for giving birth to us. Thank you for making us better than what we really are. Thanks you for being a women.
Equal. But different.
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April 17, 2008 at 10:09 pm
My grandmother used to take me and my brothers all over San Diego on the bus when I was a little girl. She taught me to give up my seat to older people. I spent 10 years commuting in Seattle and would get the same response as I would give up a seat for an older person. I have been met with some interesting responses not least of all looks from the recipient as they made a point to the gentlemen on the bus that I was the polite one. Only once was I rudely rejected but I guess aging means different things to others. I read a Dear Abby type of column last year where a girl was having an argument of whether they should give up their seat for a pregnant woman. The young girl thought it was a choice that one gets pregnant and her boyfriend thought it was the right thing to do. So she asked the columnist who was right or who was wrong. The advisor answered that maybe the question was really “Who was kind and who wasn’t?” Thanks for choosing kindness.
April 17, 2008 at 10:22 pm
Oh, the T! I used to live in the Back Bay!
I don’t think men should have to give up their seat for people (men and women) that are not : elderly, handicapped, pregnant, clearly ill (why on the subway??), or clearly in need of a seat (bogged down with kids, etc).
I would be bewildered if a man offered me a seat and would probably turn it down. Actually, if I was carrying a load, I’d take it. Thanks!
Women can be pretty bad themselves and personally I think if women didn’t put up with men’s bad behaviour, men wouldn’t do it. If women did not marry men who didn’t listen, didn’t procreate with unthoughtful men, maybe men would have to shape up to get a woman. But alas, we settle. We try and “change men.” We send them the message “come as you are and I’ll complain about it and you’ll eventually tune me out but stay until you can trade me up because you’re getting some/getting fed/getting whatever.”
And yes, men are selfish. Even here in Montreal a report showed women were more likely to give up their seats than men. Young men tended to be the worst.
April 18, 2008 at 12:37 am
Great post, mate.
April 18, 2008 at 10:24 am
You’re one in a million, friend.
April 18, 2008 at 1:30 pm
equality, if i’m not mistaken, is a political concept. difference is natural one.
you mention about women but i would also point out that you also gave up your seat to an older lady and if your mother was anything like mine… she taught me to respect age too.
thank you indeed to the fairer sex and to those that taught us and nurtured us and i shall join you in continuing to give up my seat to others.
April 18, 2008 at 3:14 pm
I too wouldn’t take a seat unless bogged down, if there were those in need of the seat around me, that meaning the elderly, infirm or in some way bogged down.
I do think that most people on those trains, or subways, are often, especially in the early morning ( I used to take the train into D.C. to work prior to grad school now I drive) very self absorbed, This country in general seems to be quite self absorbed, preferring to ignore what is going on around them.
I believe that one should offer seats to those who appear to need them more than they do, but I’m not sure a young healthy woman like myself would be in need of a seat just because she is a woman.
Society in general seems to have less respect for humanity in than it had back in the day before I was born. I do think that women and the elderly are at the tip of the getting less respect syndrome.
Maybe it’s just that men are not being brought up to respect women as human beings. I don’t know.
April 21, 2008 at 5:46 am
I appreciate a man (or woman) who does something nice like hold a door open or give up a seat. It’s good manners. I was also raised to give up my seat for older people and I regularly do it. I also regularly hold doors open for men and women.
I don’t think a man is being condescending by holding a door open for me. He just has good manners.
I’m glad you have such good manners. Your mother taught you well.
April 21, 2008 at 3:09 pm
I see this in NY as well. I have watched very visably pregnant women stand in a hot subway car with a sea of men not moving (I was already standing so I could not help). It happens all the time I cannot begin to imagine why they are not getting up an offering their seats but then rarely do.
The few times I have been offered a seat whether I have taken it or not I apperciate the offer and it makes me smile and puts me in a better mood. I can only hope my polite thank you and smile has given the man who offered it to me as much happiness.
April 21, 2008 at 6:46 pm
@Jen – that is such a good story. And with a nice bite to it. Wisdom shared – thanks.
@you don’t say – I should have put that qualifier there. I am also unsure about getting up for someone that is much younger than me. It depends on whether I think they need it. And so true about women picking men as well…
@Damian – Thanks mate. But I know you are the “get up and offer the seat” type yourself!
@fairbanksfancygoods – I think K-Fed is the same type
@Solon – Wise words my friend. Wise words. Thanks for breaking those two up.
@Cooper – You are absolutely right. And I doubt if I would get up for someone who goes on 3 hour runs. Except maybe immediately after the 3 hour run
@Odette – Perfect. I agree. It does not have to be a male thing. We can all do with a bit of good manners. It always makes me feel good about life when someone holds the door open for me.
@green4u – That’s the key isn’t it? Just making someone smile for a moment when they didn’t plan on it. And it is such a little thing.
April 23, 2008 at 7:25 am
Looks like the situation is the same all round the world. I live in Moscow, Russia. Nice manners here are shown only when “the nice person” doesn’t “suffer” from it himself. Like in the tube – almost no chance that someone will offer you a seat even if you are overloaded with stuff. But a funny story happened recently. I (girl 26 years old) was sitting and reading and by me a man was sitting. A pregnant woman came in and I offered her my seat. After that my neighbor stood and offered his seat to me.
Goos manners must not only be shown but accepted, too…
And I never refuse an offered seat – I know a person is trying to be his best, why should I mind?
April 23, 2008 at 8:29 am
I shall say in my point of view that respect is another term for equality. If a man did offer his seat to an old woman, that’s respect, and it has nothing to do because you are judged as a weak woman.
Let’s not erased our good practices.
April 23, 2008 at 9:16 am
@Stories – That’s a nice one. Showing other people how to respect by showing respect yourself. Values in motion.
@Baikong – I agree (again with you!). I show respect and never ever judge that person because of their gender. Good manners are values to hold on to.
April 23, 2008 at 3:30 pm
I really like this post but I think you are too hard on men in general. I think the worst ones do get a lot of press and I think we have an overall dearth of manners these days.
I can do pretty much anything that needs doing around the house, yard, kitchen, bedroom, court, etc….and I’ve finally gained the wisdom (with age) to know i don’t have to be rude to prove it. When someone opens a door I thank them and will return the favor if feasible. if offered a seat i look to make sure that there is not someone in more need and then accept graciously.
This is a very thought provoking subject—-you should read Miss Britt’s post today sugar. Miss-britt.com
April 24, 2008 at 4:56 pm
good points here. two men offered to carry my box of goodies from the store to my car the other day – so there is some chivalry out there. the question is though, giving up a seat on the train is one thing, but would you give up your favorite rocking chair?
April 24, 2008 at 5:01 pm
@a broad – now-now. That might be pushing it… But for you? Anything. Just don’t touch the Springsteen collection or the braai…
April 27, 2008 at 3:14 pm
@turnbaby – It took me a while to thank you for this one. But a BIG thank you. You introduced me to the Brit post. Wow.
May 16, 2008 at 6:12 pm
I take the subway to work every day, and I hate standing. I love it when I can get a seat, and if a man offered it to me I’d probably take it. But I am young and able-bodied and don’t think it’s rude if a man does not get up automatically. It’s chivalrous if they do, but I think men have the right to sit down if they want to.
August 21, 2008 at 7:33 pm
I am a male and I would never give up my seat for someone, just because they are a woman. Just because someone is a woman does not mean that they are more important than me.
Also I don’t think that men should be paid more money at work, just because they are a man. Just because someone is a man does not mean that they are more important than woman.
So I believe that men and woman should be given the same rights. Men should not be paid more than woman at work, just because they are men. Also I should not have to give up my bus seat for a woman, just because she is a woman.
May 20, 2009 at 5:00 pm
Well,
I was also raised to respect elders, and many others vis-a-vis seat allocation. The funny thing is that as I have aged (mid-fifties), I’ve discovered that sometimes, there are reasons why an older person does not want a seat. Approximately a decade ago, I asked one why they did not wish to sit, and he or she (?) told me that because of their arthritis, although it did not hurt to sit down, it did when they attempted to get up. So, this brave soul kept a death-grip on the stanchion and half-inclined his or her body to lean against it.
Unfortunately, I live in Toronto (but next year I’m escaping to Montreal – hurray!!!). I think Torontonians by and large have the most atrocious manners regarding seats, and I am proud to say I hail from elsewhere. They hog the aisle seats forcing my ‘largesse’ past them if I ask to sit down (I’m slimming down), and not a one ever moves in toward the window, just to help things along a bit. So, in random order, here they are!
If the person is elderly, or female (because of the unseen enemy, osteoporosis, which many women suffer from), they get a seat. If the woman (I refuse to say ‘person’) is pregnant, or even if a man or woman looks the slightest bit unsteady, even at a young age, they get a seat. Assistive-deviced people always qualify, and I never mind giving up the wheelchair seat area, if I am in it. You’d be surprised how many snot-nosed b******* in Toronto, actually complain – imagine!
Then, of course, a parent’s young children automatically qualify if they are not in a stoller (transit riders are permitted to leave the kids in the stroller in Toronto).
Then, theere is the ‘unexpected’ categbory – the type of person, usually a woma n I’ve noticed, who looks like she’s had a heck of a bad day and is absolutely fatigued – I’ve accommodated teenagers who heaved plaintive sighs of relief and thanks (though none is required), when they were finally able to get off their feet.
So, that is what I do – despite wearing orthotics, having one leg a bit longer, and being too heavy. I’m doing my best to improve my body image, and my lifestyle in general, and I wish everybody would adopt the same stance. Of course, here in Utopia, it would be easy. In the real world, well…
May 20, 2009 at 5:06 pm
To Tiny Tim,
I couldn’t resist applying to you comment, after I had made my own rather lenghty one.
Women endure periods and for most of the darlings, they are in pain at least a few days of the month. They carry us in their wombs (no easy feat). As they age, the chance of bone thinning or osteoprosis, especially for those who have had pregnancies, may occur. They endure leering, groping, and harassment. Most of them are not as physically strong as men, and so they are ‘wary’ (NOT necesarily afraid) of most strange men’s attentions or inattentions. They are castigatged by society (men I should think), if they don’t fit a certain figure image, get overcharged for simple haircuts and dry cleaning their blouses.
Mister – if you cannot find it in your heart to have some pity on one the next time you meet one in a transit vehicle, I pity you. Attitudes like yours are reminiscent of a time far more distant than your age suggests.
You seriously need to do a total rethink of your position.
Oh yes – and they mainly wear high heels, to look more attractive, in a certian manner, for us men.
Right – we men have it really hard – right?
May 23, 2009 at 7:26 pm
Phil woman can stand just like men can stand. I am not going to give up my bus seat to someone just because they are a woman. This does not mean that I am being rude to woman.
Also I do a lot of nice things for people. I have done nice things for both both men and woman.
Phil I wanted to ask if you were talking about woman being abused by men in your post? I am not sure if that is what you were talking about so that is why I am asking.
Men also get abused. I was sexually attacked by someone when I was 28 years old.
May 27, 2009 at 9:31 am
I’m confused… How do men and women differ? Our genitals differ, sure, but what other differences are there?