I am a traitor. A traitor to my country. To my countrymen. To South Africa. To my beloved South Africa. And to every South African out there in my home country. I hang my head in shame.
It started off innocently. Like all sins. Like all traitors. I did it once. It was easy. I did it in South Africa. When no one was looking. I actually felt good about it the first time. My wife didn’t notice. My daughter was to young. They trusted me. But I just wanted to give them everything they wanted. I did it for them. And I did it again. And again. And again.
Some of my friends started noticing. They looked at me with new eyes. They knew I was wrong. That I am going to a dark place. And that it can never be forgiven. But they were my friends. And friends stand together. Stand together even in the difficult and impossible times. In those dark days when you know you should say something. But you don’t. Because the shame would be too much. So I moved away from South Africa. Because of this dark past of mine. I just couldn’t look my friends and countrymen in the eyes anymore. Because I know they knew. And those who didn’t will find out sooner or later. And they wouldn’t react the same way as my friends did. No. For them it would be too much. For them I would be nobody. Nothing. They would disown me. I could lose my citizenship for this. And that could well be the least horrid thing that could happen to me. I know of people who disappeared and never showed up again. For South Africans it is the sin of all sins. Treason…
And now. Now I have gone down the deep end. I stayed away from it in England. I did the little things. You know. Just to stay afloat. Just to take the easy road. But never the big sin. I thought I was at least strong enough not to cave in to that. No one will forgive that. No friend will look the other way. Not this. Not this. I am ashamed. Because… Because…
I bought a gas barbecue…
Yes. Yes. I did. I bought the Perfect Flame Three Burner Gas Grill. And she is powerful - 42,000 BTU’s. A full 640 square inches cooking area. Push and turn ignition. Can you believe that? Push and turn ignition. Porcelain heat tent AND porcelain cast-iron cooking surface. And here is the big one… 28 burger capacity! This baby sings. Whooo-oo!
You might think this is funny. But it isn’t. Not for any South African man reading this. I can just see them reading this. Shaking their heads, winching as if hit by a sucker-punch and saying either “Eish“, “Donner“, or “Jislaaik boet. That’s no joke man“. For them I am not a man anymore. Not a true man. I have gone soft. But more than that. I have denied my heritage. My blood. My South African roots. The fire. The braai.
We don’t call it a barbeque. No. We call it a braai. But a barbecue isn’t a braai. No way dude. There are very strict rules that apply to a braai. Break any of these rules and you might just as well start running. Away from South Africa. And as far as possible and as fast as possible. Because the braai police (Fierce Braai Inspectors - FBI) will come and hunt you don’t. And they won’t stop until you denounce your citizenship. Oh, they have their ways and means to get you to do that. It involves fire…
These are serious things we are talking about. South African men and the braai. You can talk about politics. But the Democrats and Republicans are like two lovers on a first date compared to South Africans and messing with their braai. And you can talk about sport. But the Yankees and Red Sox? Puh-lease. Kids stuff. Mess with the braai and you mess with the most primitive parts of the South African soul.
We can argue politics in South Africa. It doesn’t matter. As long as we can sit around the fire and have our braai together. We can support Chiefs or Pirates, Province or Bulls, argue about rugby or cricket or soccer being the best - but we are united around a braai. But there are rules. And if you break those rules… You are an ex-South African. You are so outta there. Faster than you can say “light me”.
I won’t go into the culture or rules of a braai. That needs a blog on it’s own. It makes chess look like Tic Tac Toe. I’ll just give you a quick insight to the BOERIE Hardware Section - the first two rules. (BOERIE stands for Braai Official Executive Rules In English - not to be confused with the Boerie which is a South African braai sausage).
Rule 1: Get wood
Always, but always braai with wood. And I mean always. No really. Always.
The biggest braai debate in South Africa is not whether to use wood or not. That is a given. The biggest argument is about what wood to use. Rooikrans or Wingerdstompies? Two different types of wood. One from a specific tree and the other from the vineyards. I won’t even go into what I used when I was still straight. But, you see, gas is out completely. My original sin was to use charcoal. And that is bordering on treason. It can tear families apart. We even call it donkey.. hum… droppings… (Donkiedrolle.) Charcoal… That was my first step into the dark side of the braai.
Rule 2: Bricks and mortar
You can’t just use anything to braai in either. No sirree. You need to have an area that is build with the same stuff you build your house with - bricks and mortar. Designs vary. Some have a small little squad braai a few inches off the ground. Others have a whole room developed just around this braai with with multiple braai areas and storage sections. There is one exception to this rule (or First Amendment) - the oil drum rule. You are allowed to braai in an empty oil drum cut in half. You can modify this, but it must always be clearly defined and recognized as an oil drum. I mean really. Even a Weber is seen as going over the edge. I used a Weber AND charcoal back in South Africa. That wasn’t edgy. That was just plain stupid. Denying my people. Denying who I was. People frowned. So you can imagine what my gas griller will do to South Africans - especially South African men.
There are other BOERIE Hardware Rules, but these are the first two. And the foundation of any braai. It’s like free speech and gun ownership in the USA. Without those two there can be no America. Without wood and a bricks and mortar braai you can not call it a braai. And without a braai you can’t call yourself South African. You’re just a guy burning some meat. And if you were born in South Africa? You’re a burned guy and a piece of meat.
So you see. I am a traitor. The people in South Africa is ashamed of me. They will deny knowing me. They will call me names. They will tell their children and the children of their children what happens to people when they leave the hallowed shores of South Africa. The softening of African men. The shame it brings to families. The weakening of the bloodline. The acts of a traitor…
I am sorry my fellow South Africans. I am truly sorry. I beg you for forgiveness. I am but a weak man. Who gave in to temptation. A man who knows to little. A pathetic excuse of a man.
And don’t forget lazy. The gas griller is just so much easier. No firelighters needed - or as we call it blitz. Just push and turn baby. And bam! I got fire. No smokey eyes. No flicking matches. No burned fingers. No wet wood. No spark flying. No waiting for the wood to turn to coal and ash. No ash blowing in the wind. No burned meat. Or ash tasting meat. No bricks cracking and popping in the heat. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zero. Just push and turn baby. Just push and turn.
Note: Can someone tell the guys at Lowe’s to please tell South Africans that the gas tank (liquid propane tank) they buy with the gas grill is actually empty? It took me an hour of connecting and disconnecting, pushing and turning, checking and wiggling, before I realized that the tank they gave me was empty. I went to Home Depot to get a full one… And yes, we ate hours later. It would have been faster just using wood I guess.
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23 responses so far ↓
A grave tale of cruel betrayal « the spike // April 21, 2008 at 4:07 am
[...] that he is making a small contribution to a more pleasant and productive climate. Here’s the Angry African on the Loose: So you see. I am a traitor. The people in South Africa is ashamed of me. They will deny knowing [...]
Traps // April 21, 2008 at 11:38 am
Thank you for dropping in on my blog. Yours appears to be very interesting - keep going!
Saffer // April 21, 2008 at 2:41 pm
A gas braai?? What are you thinking!!!
I am stuck with a little Weber for now, but I still use wood. Where can I get proper firelighters, spraying lighting fluid all over is more than just a little dangerous!
Rouvanne // April 21, 2008 at 3:20 pm
Bru – a WAT se ding? I can’t believe it man. I thought, well, he seems like a nice oke; he seems to have fond memories about home; about what the air smells like outside a Spur, and of how blue to Cape Town morning sky is when you stumble out a club in Long Street… I thought, he’ll never forget the cries of the gulls over Sea Point, or how the South Easter can almost undress a person on the foreshore… but now… now!
Now I don’t know bru. Do I even know you?Do I even want to know you? I mean, jerre man… you were like a lekka oke… Now now you going to tune me you aren’t even braai’ing tjops… oh noooit! I just went back and checked and you are bleddy well BBQ’ing burgers! There’s no hope bru, finished and kla.
You bedda come home for a while bru. You becoming like aangenaai’de aangetrou’de American… and I don’t mean like our ou’s from the Flats!
Juslike… a gas braai. What a lag…
Kwagga // April 21, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Liquid propane? Those guys are going to bankrupt you: those tanks go empty every second or third braai, I mean barbeque, and always just before the meat’s done.
You need to connect to the big tank: your home’s natural gas supply. Cheaper, more reliable, no tanks to drive you crazy…
matt // April 21, 2008 at 5:10 pm
The most shocking article i read all year. What is the world coming to?
Mr. Fabulous // April 21, 2008 at 5:12 pm
I applaud your decision.
But then, I am the devil.
DelBoy // April 21, 2008 at 5:33 pm
Hate to say it, but I have gas too. No open fires allowed in Melbourne cos of the bushfire problems. But at least we still eat tjoppies, not burgers.
Have a look at what there guys are up to in London: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vq2SOmwzjUU
angryafrican // April 21, 2008 at 7:37 pm
@Spike - I know. There is no foregiveness.
@Traps - Thanks for the compliment. And right back at ya!
@Saffer - I know. The shame. But don’t get too confident. It is a slippery slope from Weber to gas braai.
@Rouvanne - I know bru. I even caught myself pronouncing water with a “d”. Does it help that I still use Marina Braai Salt?
@Kwagga - Thanks boet! Never thought of that. I am working on that connection to the house as we speak!
@matt - I know. I am ashamed of myself. But I had to come out the closet man. I was offered big bucks by The Sunday Times to tell my story. But I wanted to come out on my own terms.
@Mr. Fabulous - Oh I know you are the devil my man. I also know you have gas.
@DelBoy - But do you have Marina Braai Sout? And that gas you have - you sure it isn’t something you ate?
you don't say... // April 21, 2008 at 9:24 pm
you really got me going with the beginning of your post!
enjoy your grill
Michelle // April 22, 2008 at 3:00 am
“I got fire. No smokey eyes. No flicking matches. No burned fingers. No wet wood. No spark flying. No waiting for the wood to turn to coal and ash. No ash blowing in the wind. No burned meat. Or ash tasting meat. No bricks cracking and popping in the heat.” You have no heart and no soul and your barbie (read ‘girlie excuse for a meal’
has no soul. Sad man sad 
Marlize // April 22, 2008 at 5:54 am
I am to ashamed to say that you are my brother, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!!!! You will have to come home for a few weeks for some culture education. I mean really how did Mom teach you?????
angryafrican // April 22, 2008 at 3:10 pm
@you don’t say… - Haha. Mission accomplished!
@Michelle - “girlie excuse for a meal”. Excellent! And all we had were a few chicken wings and a wiener.
@Marlize - jamme sis… Mom would be ashamed. Her son, the softie.
Mandy de Waal // April 23, 2008 at 8:18 am
Oh my word how could you!
1. Make me laugh like a lunatic until I almost fell off my chair.
2. Buy a gas braai. Sies man! What will your tjops and boerewors think of you?
angryafrican // April 23, 2008 at 9:19 am
@Mandy de Waal - I am deeply ashamed. But chuffed as hell I made you laugh. I did a few tjops on Sunday. And I could see that they were not happy at all…
Laura // April 23, 2008 at 12:50 pm
“No sirree. You need to have an area that is build with the same stuff you build your house with - bricks and mortar”
“There is one exception to this rule (or First Amendment) - the oil drum rule. You are allowed to braai in an empty oil drum cut in half.”
!!!
This is beautiful!
I have a deep mysterious mistrust for all non-standard (especially *foreign*) braai equipment. If you can even call if braai equipment. Barbeque… *shudder*
Turnbaby // April 23, 2008 at 3:20 pm
OMG FUNNY—I was chuckling along until I got to the part about the empty propoane tank then I fell OUT.
Don’t worry sugar I don’t think your stones will fall off cause you use a gas grill.
Too funny
a broad // April 24, 2008 at 8:10 am
a traitor indeed! gas for a south african is total sacrilege! but then considering how some okes from SA braai, it is a mortal danger to have you exposed to an open flame!
Saffer // April 24, 2008 at 12:14 pm
As long as you don’t start making burgers and hotdogs on the braai I guess I can forgive you
Keven Bennett // April 26, 2008 at 12:51 pm
I’m under no such constraints, AA!
As a Die Hard Upper Hemispheric type, the weather is nice enough for me to march right out to my good ‘ol Texas charcoal barbeque/smoker, drop some charcoal I bought from the store into it, pour on the lighter fluid, and burn some meat my ownself!
ABSOLUTELY no shame whatsoever!
I’m pretty good at it, though…
angryafrican // April 27, 2008 at 3:18 pm
@Laura - Of course even the bricks and mortar reference doesn’t work over here. They build with wood in the area I stay. Maybe I can use that for the braai…
@Turnbaby - Now you know our religion.
@a broad - Hey, you wanna have a go at the fire? Don’t go there. It’s another rule.
@Saffer - Sorry dude. Just did burgers this weekend.
@Keven Bennett - Okay. Then it’s barbeque at your place when I come and visit!
Keven Bennett // April 28, 2008 at 10:39 am
Spoken like a true upper hemisphere type!
Choose yer animal…
Spicegirl // May 13, 2008 at 9:48 am
Dissapointed…officially dissapointed, but still you understand the phsyce of the South African braaier. I am a spicer, my boss The Tongmaster - he is the braaier. Undercover FBI’s - no really! We are THE authority on Braai in South Africa. Heard of National Braai Day? Ja boet - that is us. We got the Arch (Tutu - the real deal) to be patron - BBC News last year - should have reached you over there -5 September - or where you too busy contemplating the next big sin to watch the news? Ok…lets get to the point. There is a way that you can get forgivenes from this sin…how do I get hold of you? Email me at the address provided - Yes, it is National Braai Day headquarters, not some scalie joint. May The Wors Be With You - Braai Spice
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