It happened in 1995. The awakening…
I was driving back from Cape Town to my home in Stellenbosch. Part of my regular commute. I was working at the Labour Research Service (LRS) in Salt River on the outskirt of Cape Town. The rougher outskirts of Cape Town. The LRS was one of those small nonprofits that supported the trade unions and the liberation organizations during the Apartheid years. Apartheid ended, but the work never stopped. Workers still needed us. Discrimination still happened. And I was working with and for a Pan-Africanist trade union federation – the National Council of Trade Unions (NACTU). But I digress…
Driving this road was never a nice road. Just a week earlier my wallet got stolen by two guys. Some would call it stupidity on my behalf. You know, picking up hitch hikers. Or rather leaving my wallet open for them to take. I saw two guys hitch hiking and I decided to give them a lift. I used to hitch hike a lot myself. I knew how crap it was to stand in the road begging for a lift. Time running out. Cold winds. No sign of life outside those people sitting snug in their cars. Yeah, I gave them a lift. And they stole my wallet.
Oh, nothing happened to me. I had a habit of just throwing my wallet on the backseat whenever I drove anywhere. You know, just flip it on the backseat when I get in the car. Not thinking. Just a standard thing to do.
And I left it there without thinking. Like I always do. They took it without me even knowing. Or noticing. Oh they were nice guys. We had a good chat. Laughing and joking like all good South Africans do when they get close enough to poke fun at everyone and everything. I guess they saw my wallet as payment for the entertainment they provided. I don’t think they were that funny…
The money wasn’t much. I hardly ever have loads of cash on me. A minor inconvenience really. But it was a principle thing. You don’t steal. Full stop. So I decided to not pick up any more hitch hikers. Yes, unfortunately many people were going to stand a little bit longer because one dude in a car just got pulled off the assembly line of lift givers. I didn’t feel too crap about the decision. I made it and lived with it.
And now it was a week later. I was just driving me old car. Singing away to the Cat Steven tape that has been stuck in my radio since 1990. Yes. I know Cat Steven off by heart. Not because I wanted to or that I liked him that much, but because I couldn’t remove the bloody tape. It was stuck. And I just didn’t see spending the little money we had on fixing my car radio. Thank God the tape deck was one of those automatic switch-over gadgets. Or else I would have been stuck on the same side forever (Rewind-play, rewind-play…) So Cat Stevens it was.
The ride went smoothly. Like usual. Lost in my own little world. Not getting pissed off at anyone else on the road. Entertaining myself by singing out loud. Or making dancing moves in the car. Or pulling funny faces. Sometimes looking in the mirror to see if it was a good one or not. And sometimes just waving at people driving past me at a much faster speed.
And then I saw the guy. Hitch hiking. Just standing next to the road with his thumb sticking out. He looked like a typical hitch hiker. Normal clothes and a cap. No luggage. I didn’t pick him up. I didn’t even think of picking him up. The thought never crossed my mind. Not even for a minute.
So I drove on…
About a mile or two later I saw another guy with his thumb out. Hitch hiking. Just a normal guy. Normal clothes and a hat. No luggage. I looked at him as I approached and thought whether I should pick him up or not. Just for a split second. Nothing more than a split second. But I didn’t pick hm up. I drove past him without even looking. But for a split second… For a split second I thought about it…
I didn’t think about it for the next few miles. And then it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. Like someone just knocked me one hard one in the stomach. Cold water tipped over my head. Blood draining from my system…
Damn you! Damn me!
I am a racist…
And I didn’t even know it.
Why?
…The one guy was black… and the other guy was white…
I didn’t pick up either. But I did think of picking up the second guy. It never crossed my mind with the first on. Not even for a split second. Not even for a blink. Okay, it wasn’t a deep thought of picking the second guy up. It was only a flash for a split second. But still… That flash was a split second of thinking of picking the guy up. I rejected the idea immediately. But the point is that I did have a flash with the second guy and not the first guy.
So I am a racist.
Me. The guy who worked for the only pan-Africanist trade union federation in South Africa. The trade union federation who has never employed a white guy in their whole history up to then. A guy who fought the Apartheid system and all the discrimination that went with that. The guy who fought racism at each and every corner. The guy who saw Steve Biko as his man. I made no distinction between white or black. I hated racism. Banned it from even getting close to my kids. I had relationships that was never defined by race. I fought racism since I left my past behind. It has been the one thing that could get me going since my personal “liberation” started. I spoke out against it. Tackled people in the streets about it. I could look in the mirror and tell myself, “I am not a racist”. Hell, I even had a nickname given to me by NACTU – Umlungu (White bastard). I was drenched in anti-racism actions and fighting racism.
But here I was. A racist. And I didn’t even know it.
Which of the hitch hikers was white? Which one was black? What color was the guys I picked up and who stole my wallet? Does it matter? Is it relevant? Really? Isn’t that just justifying my racism? Isn’t that just shifting blame?
Racists. Easy to see. Racist are those people who are bigots. Or so we believe.
Racism. Easy to see. You’ll know it when you see it. Or so we believe.
No. Racists are not always that easy to see. It’s deeply rooted. It’s not something you just switch off. It hides in corners where you can’t see. It’s something you have to work on. You can overcome it. Racism is not part of the natural you. You weren’t born racist. But it is still deeply rooted like a weed when you grow up amongst racists and are taught the racist way when you are young. But it can be overcome. The more you open up. The more you talk about it. The more you look at yourself. The more you face the mirror.
It’s looking back each day and check on yourself. Looking in the mirror each day and ask yourself, “Was I just today?” And judging yourself not as a negative, but to look for those little hidden bigots inside you. And to fight them until they are out of your system. It’s something you should embrace.
Make no mistake. I am not hard on myself about this. I see this as a huge plus. Something I look forward to each day. To face that stupid bigot inside. And then laugh at him and to say, “Cheers, you are out of here”. Embrace it. And celebrate it. Because tomorrow I won’t do that. I won’t have that flash. Each day is about making it a little better.
I have managed to kill that racist inside. He is gone. No more. It feels good. But it’s not just race. It’s how we treat women. It’s how we treat the kids. How we look at the guy dressed in a hoodie, baseball cap and bling who looks like a gangster. How we stare at the women with the short skirt. It’s how we treat the guy begging in the streets. That gay couple down the road walking hand in hand. Or how we treat that person working behind the counter at Wal-Mart. It’s how we treat that worker in the factory. It’s how we treat the farmer in the fields. It’s everything we do. And it is in all of us. Black or white. Gay or straight. Men and women. We all have a little bigot or two inside us.
Bigotry is taught in different ways to us all. Those words our parent told us, “Study hard and you will get a good job. You don’t have to be caught in this life. You are better than this. You can do better than this.” That’s where it starts. When we start telling ourselves that somehow earning more money or having a bigger house make us better. Better than what?
Liberate yourself. Look at the mirror. Smile at the bigot. Because each day he is getting closer to extinction. Bye bye bigot. Death awaits you.
I like who I am. But I know I am going to like who I am tomorrow even more. And I can’t wait.
Are you? Because… I am because you are…
_________________________________
Why did I write this piece? Because of something I read in the NY Times. It’s not a perfect article, but it reminded me that blatant racism isn’t the problem. It’s the racism we don’t see. The hidden parts that people don’t even see. The bigotry we don’t see in ourselves. It just reminded me why I use the mirror every day.
October 8, 2008 at 2:35 am
Hm, took my breathe away, what a strong point your are making here. In a honest way. I guess I am a racist too. And many more besides that. There are so many culturally and historically determined patterns within me, stirring up thoughts and feelings as automatic responses of my system. Takes a lot of awareness and honest self-observation, re-thinking my own values and motives over and over again.
A post like this certainly helps, so thanks.
Darn, you really got me thinking here.
October 8, 2008 at 6:32 am
I second Robert. It’s a real problem here in Israel. Fir st and foremost Jews vrs Arabs, but within us there’s Ashkenazi jews vrs Sefardi jews. Israeli-born jews vrs Russian and Ethiopian immigrant jews. Religious vrs Secular jews.
On one hand the racism does flourish in this environment. On the other hand we’re forced to live with one another, which leads to better understanding and pluralism.
As to myself, I need to examine myself there. I’ve never had a license, but if I were to pick up a hitchhiker I think I may have prefered someone with the same language and culture as I, just to have more in common. I’d be less likely to pick up an arab, thinking he might be a terrorist, and more likely to pick up an IDF soldier just because I’ve been hitchhiking in uniform myself and can identify with him. The question is where the line is. Where’s the line between the semi-racist rational thinking (all terrorists who want to hurt me are arabs, so I’m safer if I pick up a jew) versus racism (all arabs are terrorists).
October 8, 2008 at 6:58 am
I was once at a customer’s house working inside. I could overhear the wife talking on the phone about attending the Million Mom March and Mobilizing the others to attend a Fundraiser for Gore. I was inside for a while and Her husband was nearby. I get a lot of unneeded help when I’m working. Anyway, he started talking about the election. He was a real pious hardcore Liberal Democrat. Hell he had like fifty Gore signs planted in his yard. At some point he asked me who I was planning on voting for. I told him I hadn’t decided. He expressed to me that it was important to vote for Gore because Bush would abolish abortion. I told him that I had children and I felt that it I was uncomfortable with people having serial abortions as a form of birth control and other than that I didn’t care. That wasn’t good enough for him. Then it started. He began to explain that if abortion was outlawed, it would cause Millions of Black women to keep their children and…… I was appalled. That moment there in that house is burned into my brain. What an f-ing hypocrite. I was disgusted. This guy was hiding his racist agenda or he was thinking that I would see his way by speaking in terms that I related to. Either way I left there that day and swore I’d never do work for him again. My greatest regret is that I didn’t call him on what he was saying.
I’ve run my business for almost 13 years. I have black customers. I confess that I treat them with a fairness that I’d never afford a customer of any other race. I want them to understand that there are white folks that aren’t racists and won’t come out and f them over just because of their race.
October 8, 2008 at 7:37 am
Thanks for your post today. I just returned from an excruciating weekend with someone whose intolerance was staggering. As I boarded the plane to go home I felt such a wave of despair at the hidden and blatant racism in this nation. I grew up in a segregated Virginia. I remember the race riots in DC in the late 60′s. I remember the hatred and the fear.
I guess I had hoped we had come past that. I watched Obama last night and wondered what thoughts he must have about leading this nation. What fears he must have for the safety of his own family? The crap being fomented by the McCain/Palin side is unconscionable.
I’m really struggling now to believe in our better angels and hold on to the knowledge that there are more of us on the light side than the dark side these days.
October 8, 2008 at 8:30 am
Wonderful, provocative post. It is true that racisim often lies in the corners of our being; often dormant, but yet it is there. It is hard to unlearn that which we have been taught for months, but in most instances its taught for years and still taught through society and family each day. As you say, we have to be aware of our own actions, our own thoughts. If we are not aware, we will not change. Most insane people believe themselves to be sane; and most alcolics never stop drinking until they realize they indeed have a problem. It is a very hard cycle, because it affects those who are not racists per se, but are products of what people believe they should be. An example is that many young men in my neighborhood believe they must act hard, because it is how society expects them to act. To act otherwise would cause eyebrows to raise, and perhaps even put the young man’s life in danger for being too soft, too humane, per se. Same goes for teen age pregnancy; it’s expected and thus accepted at times. We as humans need to listen to that inner voice that speaks before all other’s opinions, thoughts and bias. I believe we inherently know right from wrong – but we have to look beyond our perception.
I can be cold as the bluest, hottest ice
And hot as the bluest, fiercest fire. . .
I’m a false reflection of a conceptional misconception
Whatever your limited or infinite mind’s desire
You listen to my loud, yet gentle vibration
You believe me fully with no hesitation . . .
You see me with all colors of the beautiful rainbow
Is that really all the colors? Will you ever know?
Only if you can let me go. . .
I’m young and younger, black and blacker
Smart and wise. A genius. A true catalytic cracker
Beautiful, and most beautiful – is there really such a thing?
Breath in the melody that I most wonderfully sing!
I can be red, yellow, or indigo blue
Although I’m real in essence, I’m never the truth,
I’m at your worst, completely false;
Incomplete at your best; a simple impulse.
I can be joyfully sorrowful and sorrowfully glee, too.
But, whatever I am, I’m always completely real to you.
Do you feel me! Do you get my point!
Do you smell my noise? Can you hear my funk!
Can you see my darkness? Can you touch my light!
Can you smell my vision? Can you taste my sight!
Can you smell the painful pleasure,
Can you taste the agony of the estasy?
No matter what, I’m always YOUR reality;
I am in you and you are in me.
If you change your perspective.
I’ll change mine– as your’s reflective.
I am oh so evil, and yet so kind
The world would be nothingness if I were blind.
But, maybe not-how dare I say?
And now I lay me down to pray . . .
I pray that you free me every then and now
From your dear self, for this I vow . . .
Will free you from hypocrisies
And all the false analogies. . .
From judgements, prejudices, anger and hatred …
These no longer exist, once I am emancipated.
My negation gives you insight, free and clear
Of a far away place that is yet so near
If you could release my blessed curse and damned grace
And move beyond object, time and space
For that brief moment in that sphere
You’ll sense a unity so crystal clear
Even beyond your limited, infinite imagination
Who am I, I am simply . . .
YOUR PERCEPTION
Sorry for the long post. . . this one touched me this morning. PLL, CordieB
October 8, 2008 at 10:54 am
Yes, death to the bigotry in us all!!! Those of us that possess some type of privilege possess bigotry, and to a degree that we don’t like to admit….. you are right not to beat yourself up for it, just need to look in the mirror every day, and know that where you were yesterday, will not be where you are today…… so many of us are afraid to ask the tough questions of ourselves, but it is the ONLY way that we learn and grow, about ourselves and one another……..
I really do admire you so much, just for being you…. I am because you are, indeed!!!!!
October 8, 2008 at 1:54 pm
This is very true, and I myself for years wrestled with my ignorance as well.
It has, over the years, been difficult to construct a belief system that works, but it appears that after all these years, God has blessed me with methods to quiet my conscience and to live life in a way that won’t invoke it in the future, I hope.
The first part was easy:
recognizing the racist in me.
The second was much harder, and took years:
That was to learn to recognize the difference between ignorance and racism in people who look like me. To actually get a grip on this issue, I have had many discussions with three people closest to me:
My wife, my best freind, and my closest brother in law. All are Black Americans, and all of them showed me a very interesting, and very important twist in the issue of race relations. They all showed a greater tolerance toward those who hate – sometimes, a FAR greater tolerance.
The discussions were about why, and their reasoning ranged from showing more class to the Ten Commandments to understanding that others can’t help their upbringing, to simply preserving one’s health and avoid getting heart attacks.
A very diverse set of reasons, and not only that, a very diverse set of GOOD reasons. It took me a good while to understand, but I think the first glimmer was when I did a Geography thesis on my wife’s family, learning their history and the attitutdes that went into accomodating that history. Racism, and racists, are to be endured like the weather, an insightful and impersonal way of dealing with those that have a belief system that is anything but.
The lessons I learned are at the core of the reason why, when confronted by ignorant posters here and elsewhere (note I said “ignorant”) to, instead of just assuming this or that, actually ask a Black American what the difference is between ignorance and racism really is.
The answers one would get are very insightful and, like me, provide one with new ways of dealing with that racist within.
October 8, 2008 at 2:13 pm
I won’t be so angry with myself, AA. At some deep primal level we all have a need to belong, deep down, right next to the need for food and shelter. Per definition we feel more comfortable with people that look like us. In other words, I think we all have a racist element, if you dig deep enough. Good luck trying to rid yourself of that!
Keeping the obvious racism out of your mind is enough of an effort, especially for those of us who were raised in what P. J. O’Rouke called Whitest Africa.
October 8, 2008 at 4:52 pm
[...] – “Damn you! Damn me! I am a racist…” [...]
October 8, 2008 at 5:57 pm
[...] I had planned on writing a quasi-xrated poem today, but this morning after reading Angry African’s post on racism , I decided to speak out. So, blame AA for my writhing this post instead of the quasi-xrated [...]
October 8, 2008 at 6:00 pm
@Robert – We are cut from the same cloth. Our histories set us in a direction. And what we have in common is that neither of us are willing to accept that direction. Do you find it liberating as well?
@thatdudeyouknow – I can’t judge the circumstances in Israel. It’s difficult. I agree with you… It is a fine line between rational thinking and racism. Part of it is to continue to question not only oneself and our motives, but also those who tell us what our circumstances are and who rule us. And I know you do that. It shows in your questioning through your writing. And I admire that.
@scienkoptic – See what I mean? We all learn from what we have done or not done in the past. The times when we were wrong. We know we were wrong because it never leaves our thinking. But you also showed what Ubuntu is about. It’s about taking that past of ours and our wrong decisions and saying, “You know what? I’ll make this better.” Some people will slam you and call it reverse discrimination. I say it is you being sensitive to those around you because you observe and see the fault line. You are a good man Mister J.
@sahlah – That’s the most difficult part. When people around us and are relatively close to us don’t respect us and our views. That’s what broke the relationship between me and my dad. I could tolerate his bigotry as long as he never showed it to me in my face or to my family. But he couldn’t. And that was the end of our relationship. I too sometimes feel that there are too few of us. But it’s worth being part of the few than not. Don’t you think?
@cordieb – I wrote you an email to say thanks and to say how much I admire your writing. I don’t have that gift of poetry. And it is so much more beautiful than some of the words I throw on these pages. Your words are beautiful, but more importantly, your words hide the meaning just well enough for us to search for the unwritten meaning and search ourselves. Thank you.
@vanessaleighsblog – That’s what our little group is about hey. We get the chance ot just be us and say what we want. And people take it for what it is and see the person behind all that bigotry. Together we will slay the monster because I am because you are…
@Keven Bennett – That why I love you my friend. I know some of the “other” readers who aren’t regular will see you lashing out and not always understand what you say. But it is because you have been there and are living it. And, most importantly, you are not willing to hide away from it. I admire you for that and respect you for that. You make America better by being straight and honest. By just being you.
@Kwagga – I know what you mean, but I don’t think it is that deep. I am really not hard on myself. I like who I am. Truly like myself, but can’t wait for tomorrow. The honest truth is that the more I question myself the more friends I make. And the odd thing is that I never realize “what they are” (black, white, gay, straight, men, women etc) until someone points it out to me.
@Mockingbird – Wish I knew German! But thank you for that. You’re not a racist. We are all just beings still in progress. It only stops when we die.
October 8, 2008 at 9:38 pm
The problem with killing the racist in all of us is that our friends or family or neighbors tend to bring it back to life.
I don’t have to confront racists in my circle – I just walk away. Later they ask why I walked away. When I tell them that they weren’t saying anything that I wanted to hear – they just find someone willing to join in their hatred.
After a while, when someone speaks (or acts) in a way that I don’t approve, someone will stop them. Kind of like when one swears in front of one’s grandmother – the actions are not acceptable.
(Back from your coffee break so soon? I hope you enjoyed the cup and thinking about South Africa.)
October 8, 2008 at 9:50 pm
“Some people will slam you and call it reverse discrimination. I say it is you being sensitive to those around you because you observe and see the fault line. You are a good man Mister J.”
I run my business on a very simple principle:
Treat people in the manner you would like to be treated.
I live my daily life in the same manner.
Wanna see a successful business? My business broker can’t understand that being good to customers will get you better advertising than all the money in the world.
As a professional in my field, I can see where the black customers have been f-ed over by other companies. I can see it in the stupid shit they’ve been sold, I can see it the constant run-arounds they get. I can see it when I tell them that they can pay me when they get the bill., etc.
October 8, 2008 at 10:19 pm
Beautiful post… full of truth. You made us all take a true look at ourselves. Thank you.
October 9, 2008 at 1:03 am
You are wiser than most people my friend.
I like that when you decided to stop writing you start writing more, and more spectacularly than before.
October 9, 2008 at 2:51 am
I just posted because of this post….about racism. I linked to here.
“I AM PAINFULLY CONSCIOUS OF MY IMPERFECTIONS,
THEREIN LIES ALL THE STRENGTH I POSSESS.”
Mahatma Gandhi
October 9, 2008 at 6:38 am
@uglyblackjohn – Yeah. I sometimes walk away as well. Especially from family and friends. And then they either stop being friends or accept that I won’t tolerate it. It has actually become a part of the family “fun time with AA”. Let’s see how long it takes before he gets up or gets upset. It generally doesn’t take that long! I’mm still on the coffee break! This one just bugged the living hell out of me for a while. And it seemed to be the right opportunity.
@scienkoptic – That’s not only a wise business principle, but a wise life principle. It is amazing how people react when you show them respect and trust. People are better than what we think, if only we give them a chance to show it.
@Amber – Thanks! Nothing like staring at the mirror hey? But I know you. You don’t have to stare too much! (Not with that hairdo in any case.)
@cooper – Thank you. And ditto. And thank you for thw riting compliment. I am still taking it easy. Letting it come when it comes. And writing funny things in between the periods of pause. So just little breaks from the coffee break. Maybe I am a bit hard on myself sometimes. For instance, when I looked at this piece afterwards I though it wasn’t that good. But I am starting to realize that it doesn’t have to be that well written if the message still gets across.
@ilovemylife – You have written some powerful things on race. Thanks for the link. I’ll go and have a link at you post and bring a link back in here if that is okay? (Just did – http://ilovemylifebrothersandsisters.blogspot.com/2008/10/kill-him-terrorist-things-audience.html)
October 9, 2008 at 5:54 pm
This is a scenario that I think every single white person will understand. Is it racism? In my case, I am distinguishing between people by race, but not because of anything directly related to or influenced by that race. I am merely aware of statistics that say a black man is more likely to hurt a white woman than a white man. I do not believe this is an inherent property of the black race. I believe these statistics are caused by the complex social issues in South Africa that have led to this state of affairs.
So yes I am distinguishing, but not because of something I believe to be racially ingrained. So is this racism?
Whatever it is, it is not nice and makes me feel ugly.
October 9, 2008 at 6:44 pm
It’s a pretty complex issue, Po, but I would say this:
I myself, when I grew up, was uncomfortable around Black Americans. As I grew older, I learned, and I never gave up. I was correct in thinking that the uncomfortableness was my problem – not theirs, and that I needed, and hoped, for the day I wouldn’t feel that way.
I have been blessed, as quite a few years ago, my intellectual feeling that I didn’t need to feel that way was replaced by the feeling also in my heart. You know what I mean?
Where you know something, but yet, somehow, you don’t really know it. Like that embarrassing reflex you try to put down but cant.
I went throught that, but the key was to never give up on the good side of yourself.
It is very true, that there are bad apples in every crowd, and there will always be. I now depend on my instinct when I see people, and adjust my conduct accordingly. I can see by body language what I’m likely to encounter. I look at who is coming toward me.
It’s not the most accurate instinct in the world, but at least, I’ve been able to enjoy the company of some very good, and very proud, people.
They are my family and my freinds…
October 9, 2008 at 9:58 pm
lol @ my hairdo… my hair is short now…
October 11, 2008 at 7:11 am
We all have prejudices whether they be racist or biased. It depends on who you are and the degree you take it.
I have a recent blog myself on the subject being in an interracial relatioship. The first for me and the first for her. 2 years going strong!
I’d love for anyone who likes to read it and comment.
Tough subject matter AA.