Just emptiness. Not depression, but vacuum, apathy…

Yesterday, flying back from Spain, we entered pretty rough zone, the plane was bumping up and down and for a few seconds if felt like we were free-falling. At that moment I found myself winking to my already pale wife next to me: “Hey, perhaps we are going to die today.” Felt like a relief. Did not bring much relief to my wife at that moment, to be honest.

Anyway, the happiness of just being alive is not anywhere near.

http://novice101.wordpress.com/2008/10/30/

Thanks.

A lot has happened in this mission that has left me rather scarred and cynical. I’ll try to blog about it, but even that takes so much effort. And thanks once again.

@sahlah – Thank you. It is difficult to stay away even when I have nothing to say really.

@Toaf – You said it. You are taking stock and looking at different angles of attack. I admire you guys. You picked the worse place to go to in Africa. Africans won’t even go there. You have to balance what you can do with your personal health. You can’t let it get you down. It will be good for Ms Vasco to take a breather. It’s been a difficult time for her. The politics and the work.

@Vasco Pyjama – Don’t feel guilty. Don’t. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You picked one of the worse places to start in Africa. Stay open to it, but next time try something like Zambia that is crazy poor but no conflict of religious intolerance. Good decent people. Please don’t feel guilty. You and Toaf are amazing people. You make a difference no matter what you do. But best is to know your limitations and tackle what you can. We are all human after all!

And yes, I feel very guilty about walking away. *heavy*.

One of the most difficult personal practices I have is to sit and respect the times you are asked to stop. May you find additional strength in this time of quiet and reflection. If you always carry the load, then others are never given the chance to feel its burden and learn its lessons.

Be well friend.

…wat if we can all really trigger off this feelin in everyone…at the same time…wat would happen? …silence

…the reason we can make a change to the world – ignorance

i knw i dnt do enough…but thanks for educatin us…ur doing ur part

im heavy…

@Laura – See? You think it hits harder when you know Africa?

@holeycheese – You said it. I can’t rest. But sometimes it just gets too much. An overload. Too many voices and faces. Deep breath. Prayer. And away we go.

@thatdudeyouknow – The Heavy comes in different ways. Some people feel it drag them down like me right now. Some people can fight it better than me and don’t feel it as much. But dude, you care and that is what it is all about. I think The Heavy pulls me down because it is also the work I do. So it is a bit 24/7.

@scienkoptic – Good advice my man. I generally try to just keep an eye on what is in front of me. One step at a time. One thing at a time. But sometimes I look up and realize that there is no end. Just the individual things we have to keep on doing. I shouldn’t look up. I know the thing that will most likely get me out of this will be a new challenge to focus on and the “big picture” will fade.

@kat – Thank you. I agree. I think many people feel this way. We cope in different ways. Mine is hiding.

@Michelle – The thing that gets to me is that I never know how long it takes. Sometimes a few days. Sometimes weeks. Maybe the 4th of November will snap me back!

@Coffeewallah – You had it recently. It’s not what we want. But it’s not that easy to get out of. I’ll be back.

@ame i.- That right! I feel guilty about feeling this way as well. I have so much. A good family, a decent job, so many luxuries. I have nothing to bitch about. But it still sets in. Miquel is a reminder for us to snap out of it. Too many Miquels out there that needs our help. But I hope they know we all need a breather every now and again.

@Amber – Yeah. We know what we have to do. But sometimes we want to sit on the pavement with our heads in our hands and just be on our own. And then get up and smile again.

@Peter – I shot you an email. I know what you are saying brother. That fire burns. Make no mistake. It burns. But sometimes we just want the fire to not burn so hot. Does it never drain you? It does to me. Every few years. What drives me each and every day also drives me to need to clear my brain every now and again. I will come back to fight. I am doing it while working. But can’t seem to find anything inside to write right now. Auto mode.