hate


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This is going to be a long post – sorry. But it is about two people I met that made me rethink my definition of what evil might be. Two guys I always thought were the definition of evil. But I met them both briefly (and “stalked” one) and that made me question the meaning of evil. So I have to tell you about them to get to my story. Sorry – be patient. You know I am not into short blogs in any case!

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The Big Crocodile (1991):

One of the most evil men in the history of South Africa was PW Botha – Pieter Willem Botha. He was the last Prime Minister of the Apartheid Regime – and their first President of power. Oh man he was bad, bad news. Under his “command” more than 2,000 people died at the hand of the “security forces” (Security? As if they were protecting anything valuable). And more than 25,000 people were detained without being charged and often tortured (this last one sounds oddly familiar to recent US policies – except for the number of people). While he was Prime Minister in South Africa he also started the South African secret nuclear weapons programme with Israel and established the notorious police counter-insurgency unit – Koevoet (Crowbar). Yes, he was bad, bad news.

He was a racist to the core. Here, read this and see what you think. In his own words, “Blacks look like human beings and act like human beings do not necessarily make them sensible human beings. Hedgehogs are not porcupines and lizards are not crocodiles simply because they look alike. If God wanted us to be equal to the Black, he would have created us all of a uniform colour“. I hope you don’t need more convincing that PW stood for “Pure White” or “Pretty Wretched”.

He wasn’t just a racist and killer though. He was also a coward. Of sorts. He started his career by supporting the South African Nazi movement in WWII. But then changed his mind when he saw that they were going to lose. So he is cowardly in his warped convictions as well. Just a bad man all together. As evil as you can get. But to the Afrikaners who supported him during Apartheid – he was their bread and Botha. He meant everything to them because he kept them in power. And kept them “safe and seperate”. With a strong hand on the rifle. Of course you won’t find any of them today. It’s like asking the school class who had the “accident” in the bathroom - no one is willing to admit that it was them in public.

We called him “Groot Krokodil” in South Africa. Meaning Big Crocodile. Mostly because he will take a bite at everything and his skin was as thick as the skin of a crocodile. And he was pretty ugly as well. Just like a crocodile. We didn’t shed any crocodile tears when he died on 31 October 2006. No tears for him. He was a bad dream from our past. A past we didn’t want to be reminded of. And I met the man. Briefly. But I was also a bit of a stalker in my own way.

My wife’s father used to own a local car dealership in the town close to where Groot Krokodil lived. And he used to come and buy a new car there every few years. And with our luck we were there when he came the last time. My wife was working at the garage during the university break and I came up to visit her. And I worked at the garage as well. Worked at the forecourt – or petrol pumps. Yes, he owned both a car dealership and a gas station. All I did was sit in the forecourt and enjoy the scenery. Filling up cars as they came back from the beach or taxis taking people home. It was fun. I sat outside in the summer sunshine and enjoyed working there. I got to see my future wife often enough – and that was a major bonus.

I went inside to say hello – she was working the telephones. And we hang out – not to make out. Not with her dad there! I had my own nickname for him – but not for public consumption! He is an unbelievably nice guy. I really love and like him. Good guy who always pulls the mickey out of me. Hey, I took him to his first Bruins game (and mine) when they came to visit. But, again, I digress.

I was hanging out with her when he walked in. PW. He was old. Really old. This was back in December 1991. The ANC was unbanned and Mandela was free – but we were still negotiating the terms of our new democracy. It sounds odd – the terms of our democracy. But back then the Apartheid ruling party, the National Party, still believed that democracy was too good to share with everybody. PW wasn’t in charge anymore. He suffered a mild stroke in January 1989. He resigned as leader of the National Party in February, hoping that his hand-picked man will take over. But the National Party elected FW de Klerk as the National Party leader in February and as President in March. PW Botha refused to go. Typical. But by August he was completely alienated and forced to go. Oh man, you should have heard his speech. It was full of hatred for everyone – especially those in the National Party leadership. But he was history by now. A few months later FW would free Nelson Mandela and unban the ANC. PW was a bitter old man by the time he walked into the dealership.

He came in to service his car. My future wife and I walked into my father-in-law’s office and we walked right into PW. They knew how I felt about this guy so there was no way we were going to hang out with him! My father-in-law introduced us and PW started asking my future wife what she was studying. He studied at the same university as us when he was young – Stellenbosch University. My wife looked at him and gave him a little knowing smile (her I-dare-you-to-go-there smile). And then she said slowly, “Political Science”. He blinked and pulled his head back even further – as if he smelled something bad. He stared at her for a little while and then said quietly, “Another cat amongst the pigeons”.

I knew that look in my future wife’s eyes. It was a challenge. A challenge saying – come-on-you-want-some-of-this? You think I am the Angry African? Ha. Don’t piss her off. She is the tough one. I knew that it was time to get her out. He was an old old man. And a stupid man. An easy target. And he would underestimate her and get his backside kicked. So I made my excuses and got her out of there. But it wasn’t the end of me and PW.

I knew where he lived. Every now and again we would drive there and stop a bit down the road where he lived in a quiet dead-end road. Dead-end road made sense for a dead-end human being. And I would wait in that car to see him come out for his daily walk. Security police and all. Him, his wife and their dogs. Little brakkies en mat-kakkers. Little dogs – useless dogs for a guy like him. And we’ll sit in the car and stare at this old man, his wife and their dogs walking down the road. He was getting really old now. Walking with a walking stick and slowly moving along. Playfully patting the dogs and his wife with his walking stick. Like any old man just taking a walk knowing that it is one of those last pleasures left in life. Just an old man walking the dogs and loving his wife with the sun shining on his back. He wasn’t much of a crocodile anymore. Just a slow shuffle of a walk like a wounded crocodile trying to get back into the water. But a toothless one.

The Guguleto 7 (2002):

We were down at the beach at Betty’s Bay with our friends. They had a place there. Or rather, her dad had a place there that they used. We had fun. The girls were playing on the beach looking for shells and playing in the little pools. We had a few beers and some crayfish and a braai. It was fun. Just the perfect weekend. Away from the craziness at work. Just the six of us hanging out and talking crap. Yes, Oosie and me knew how to talk crap. We were very different – me an activist and him a cop, but we could talk crap for hours and hours. Amuse ourselves with stories that just kept on piling up with the sh*t we spoke. My wife and his wife would just look at us and laugh at the nonsense we could talk without any signs of slowing down. But it was time to go and stock up. So we took a drive to Kleinmond (“Small Mouth” refering to the mouth of the river) – a town just a few miles down the road.

I love Kleinmond. I have good memories of it. My ouma (grandmother) used to live there and I remember going there to visit. And she used to make me roosterkoek (type of bread) on the open fire. She made the best roosterkoek ever. With butter from the farm melting as she took it off the fire and broke it open with her bare hands. I was young when she died. But I remember her. This fragile old woman who used to smell like fresh bread and hugged me when she gave me those roosterkoek. I loved my ouma. Again, I digress.

We drove into Kleinmond and bought our “things” (beer and… hum… more beer. Oh, and wood for the braai). Oosie decided to take us for a drive through town. Down to the beach area to show us where they fish. We drove slowly as there were loads of people hanging around. Oosiestopped the car as an older guy walked up to the car waving. He looked like a typical newly retired guy. A wide open friendly face with not a worry in the world. They spoke and laughed a bit about some guy they both know who got into trouble with the fisheries inspector again and shared news on how their families were doing. I was between Oosie and the guy leaning in the window talking. I can remember his face well. He had laugh lines all over his face. He looked like a guy I can sit and have a beer with. And share crap stories with. He had shorts, an open buttoned checked shirt, socks with sandals, and a fisherman’s hat on. Typical South African though – he had a paunch from the beer and meat - what we call a boep. He could be anyone’s dad. He just looked and sounded like a really good guy. A family man with friends and stories to share around the fire.

Oosie and the guy said goodbye and we drove off. Oosie knew my politics, but we hardly spoke about it. We didn’t share the same views on everything. But then, I never let politics alone define my relationships and friendships. If I did I would have very few friends left in this world. Anyway, Oosie was quiet for a bit while we drove off. After a bit he asked me whether I knew who the guy was. I said no – but obviously a friend of Oosie’s family. He looked at me and said, “He was in charge of the Guguleto 7 hit squad”. Oh man, it was like a ton of bricks hit me. Stunned.

The Guguleto 7 were 7 guys from the ANC who got brutally murdered by the a secret police hit squad in South Africa in 1986. This police hit squad operated from a secret location called Vlakplaas. The most evil things happened there. Murder, executions, torture, rape – you name it and they did it. It was the centre of all things evil under Apartheid. The Guguleto 7 were ANC supporters who got lured in by the hit squad and were brutally murdered. For ANC supporters (including myself) the Guguleto 7 became a rallying cry for the murdering of our people to stop. It united people against Apartheid. And hardened the resistance to Apartheid. And this guy was in charge of the hit squad who murdered the Guguleto 7. He was what I saw as the epitome of evil. Leading a hit squad. And now I knew who he was.

That was the problem. I thought he was a good guy. Someone I can hang around with. Someone to sit with around the fire and share a few beers and talk crap. How do you hate someone you liked 5 minutes ago? But the same someone who you hated for 16 long years?

PW and the nameless monster (I never wanted to know his name). The two of them taught me a lesson on evil. People do evil, evil deeds. But somehow they still manage to look in the mirror and believe in themselves. Bigots yes. But they are not the woman beaters, serial killers, child abusers or rapist we think they are. Evil people are people who do the same things we do. They are never the obvious bad people that stand out in a crowd. Or who we hope they are. They love and live their lives in very similar ways we do. Talk crap with friends while having a beer around the fire. Taking their loved ones and the dogs for a walk. Loving their kids and wives and enjoying retirement. Enjoying the sunshine and open spaces. Evil people are normal people. They are around us and they are in us. You will walk past them in the streets without looking twice. They can sit on the other side of the table and you might never know. They can lean in and talk to you with a genuine smile on their face. And that makes it hard to hate. And knowing that they live lives just like us. When you have met them and stalked them. And when you have liked them. That makes it difficult. How do they do it? How do they sleep at night and still laugh and love. How do they do it when they do the things they do? And how do we hate them when we see their other side? It’s not that easy…

I knew the grandson of PW. I knew him before I knew who his grandfather was. He was at university with me and although not an activist we still shared friends and good times. And even when I knew who his grandad was it didn’t change our relationship. Just every now and again I would rant against PW and his evil ways and he would go quiet and say in a whisper, “But he is still my grandad”. That’s the thing. We can hate the sin. We must hate the sin. But it is difficult to hate the sinner. Especially if you know them and have seen them live their lives the way we all do. It takes a special person to hate those they know. Evil. Evil is evil. But just not always expressed the way we expect or hope.

I don’t know. I don’t know much about handling evil. But I know we walk with crocodiles everyday. We just don’t always know it. And they don’t always look like crocodiles.

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You know about my father and me. We didn’t get along. We didn’t talk much. We didn’t do much together. None of that “dad and son” stuff. We might not even have liked each other much. There was bad blood. Lots of it. And still I learned so much from the man. Even when he didn’t mean it and I did…

We had many arguments. Many, many arguments. Almost always about politics. He was on the side of Apartheid and I was on the other side fighting what and who he stood for. He was a bigot and I was always happy to point it out to him. And I was just as stubborn as him. I refused to budge. I refused to try and understand. I refused to give him one single little bit of ground. I refused to give him or what he stood for the benefit of doubt for even a split second. He was wrong and so was everything he stood for. No movement on bigotry. Nothing. Nada. Zero. Zilch. I was right about Apartheid being wrong. Why should I move even an inch for any form of bigotry? I still won’t. I refuse to compromise just because it might make people feel better. Or because it would be the nice thing to do. I won’t. Not with bigots.

And I do expect people to point out my own bigotry. Trust me, I have a thick skin and I am a big boy – I can handle it. It’s the only way I can ever answer The Question…

Anyway, back to me and my father…

Back when we still spoke we had almost daily fights about Apartheid and the fight against Apartheid. He called those who fought the Apartheid government terrorists – Nelson Mandela to Breyten Breytenbach and everyone from the ANC to COSATU. Yes, we fought like hell. It eventually tore us apart completely. There was a moment when I just gave up. And there was a time that I realized he just taught me the biggest lesson of all. He didn’t know it but it has driven me since…

It was just one of those days again. We were arguing like hell. I can’t even remember what triggered this one. The ANC was already unbanned. It could have been him calling Nelson Mandela racist names again. Or him bitching about anyone who was black and who didn’t agree with his warped view of the world. Actually, you didn’t have to be black to be hated by him. Even Reverand Beyers Naudé was a terrorist in his eyes.  But we were off on our usual little boat ride down the rough river of arguing.

My poor mother was just sitting there half in shock as always. Every now and again trying to calm us down. But she knew it was a losing battle. I was never going to keep quiet. Not anymore. And it gave me a chance to fight him on every issues that I ever thought he was wrong about – from Apartheid to my mother. So once I started I would never let go. And he egged me on by pushing one button after the other. We were predictable…

He was on about the Apartheid National Party giving him a job and me an education. He was shouting at me that the ANC and Nelson Mandela will always be terrorists. I was throwing it back in his face that he must live with the fact that we have won. That it is over. You lost your right to bigotry and murder. No more. We won, you lost. And, to rub it in, that if Nelson Mandela is a terrorist then so is his own son.

It shut him for a little bit. He stared at me for a moment. I could see he was ready to explode. He was about to say something. And then it came. The question. I popped the question without even thinking…

“Tell me dad, what did you do?” (“Sê my pa, what het jy gedoen?”)

It shut him up. He had a puzzled look in his face. Not sure what I meant. That’s when I hit him with the meaning of my question…

“What have you ever done to make this country a better place? Where were you when they were murdering people? Where were you when all the killings were taking place? What did you do to stop all the madness? What did you do to end all the hate and bigotry dad? Where is the love and the peace and the freedom dad? Tell me dad, what have you ever done to make this world a better place? For me. For my sisters and mother. And for the kids we will one day have? Tell me dad, what did you do with your life?”

I only stopped when I saw his face change. I can’t even describe to you what he looked like. That expressions…

It was as if the life was sucked out of him. Like an animal in complete fear of his life and knowing that this is the end. That he has no more to offer. That everything is empty. That all that was left was this shell of a man standing in front of me. The look of a man knowing that everything he has ever done is meaningless and worthless in the eyes of his son. The look in his eyes was of a man knowing his life and what he stood for meant nothing to his son. Nothing. Like him. His life. Meaningless. All in a single expression.

it is difficult… I can’t really describe to you what he looked like…

But I will never forget it. That look in his eyes. It was something that made me shut up. I knew there was nothing more to say. I knew he was not my father anymore. He was… He was… Nothing…

Because his expression also told me something else. It betrayed him. It told me the answer…

Nothing…

I looked at him for a little while and said it one more time softly – almost a whisper, “Tell me dad, what have you ever done?”

His expression also betrayed something else…

It wasn’t just the question that cut him up. It wasn’t just his lack of answers that drained is soul. No. It was also my expression that sucked the life out of him. The expression of someone that felt nothing anymore. The look of someone who knew his father no more. The face of someone who knew a common love no more. The questions from someone who believed in his own blood no more. The end of the blood running through our veins. He knew that my own questions and eyes told him that we were no more…

That was what he saw… And what he heard…

And then I turned around and walked away. Leaving him there to… I don’t know… I just left him there without thinking about what I wanted from him. I didn’t want anything anymore. I didn’t need anything anymore. I got what I wanted…

I will never forget his face. I still see that expression. Daily. It drives me. That single question and that single expression drives me daily. Each and every single day. Because I never want to be asked that question. Never.

Maybe I am over sensitive to what is going on around me. Maybe I love my wife and kids a little more than what I would have if I didn’t know about that question. Maybe I get angry about bigotry and injustice and inequality more than I would have if I didn’t know about that expression. And maybe I see the beauty around me a bit clearer thanks to the face I saw that day. I don’t know. But I know this…

I never want any of my kids to ever ask me that question…

And I never want them to look at me the way I looked at my dad that day…

dont-ask

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Note: I should have added that I did make peace with my dad shortly before he died. I do understand where he came from even though I never agreed with his politics or the way he treated some people. But we did make some form of peace. Do I wish our relationship was different? I am not sure because I would not be who I am without him being who he was. I am at peace with how it all turned out – it could have been better but it could have been worse. I focus on the here and now. The question I asked him doesn’t drive me a in conscious way where I think of them daily. It is only when I think and reflect on what I do that I recognise some of the events that played a key role – and this was one of those key events.

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I don’t give up easily. Especially not on hope. I always see something good. Some hope somewhere. Hope is stronger than the bond of love and the chains of hate. Hope lives even when souls die. Hope never gives up. But sometimes even hope dies. And with it everything else…

I look at my beloved Africa and I see hope. I see the madness in the Niger Delta area and I know that there is hope. Hope in the people living there. Knowing that they don’t want the lives they live. That someday it will be better. There is madness and death but there is also hope.

I look at Sudan and know there is hope. I see the kids dying and the people murdering and I see darkness. But I also see a spark of hope. Just a little candle light fighting the winds of hate and mayhem. I know the smiles of people and the hope in their eyes.

I see the Congo and can smell the hope in the air. I see evil taking our kids and making soldiers of them. Little kid soldiers willing to pull the trigger and end another life and their own. But I see these kids kicking a soccer ball and know hope lies inside.

I see my people dying of Aids… Suffering at the hands of warlords… Wasting away in the sands of hunger… Begging for life in the fields of poverty… I see all that and I still see hope. I see it. I smell it. And I can feel it. It’s in their eyes and in their souls. Hope, love and peace. It is there. Not strong and hardly standing but it is there being cradled in the arms of a mother feeding her malnourished baby and being carried on the heads of African women coming back from the watering hole. Small and weak… but hope is still there. I see a better tomorrow. I see a hope growing at the pace set by African time. It will come to those who are patient. Hope… Lives…

I see hope in Burma and I see hope in Iraq. I smell hope in North Korea and can hear it in Tibet. I can see it in the darkest of places. No matter where it is. No matter how dark and cold it gets on our world. I always see a little hope flickering in the wind. Sometimes it is just a little glimmer of hope. Not much. Just a little look in the eye. Or a hint of a smile. The soul inside shining through for a split second. Hope…

But what happens when I see no more hope? When there is no light fighting the darkness anymore? When hope is gone? What then?

There is a place where hope no longer shines for me. I see nothing. No life. No reason. No smile. No belief. No light. No nothing. I see no hope.

Israel and Palestine…

I see nothing there. Nothing…

I am not picking sides on this one. I can’t. I refuse. I won’t.

My world is not black and white. I am not either for you or against you. I am for justice, freedom, liberty and equality for all. But most of all… Most of all I am for hope, peace and love.

Come… Give me the reasons. Give me the belief. Give me your heart. Give me whatever you want to give me but I won’t believe in you anymore. Either of you. I see no hope and have given up hope.

I see no end to you killing each other. I see no end to you blaming each other. I see no end to either of you. I see no end to kids dying by your hands. I see no end to the blood of the innocent flowing from your rockets. I see no end to you murdering hope, love and peace…

Both of you…

Don’t give me excuses. Don’t give me the school kid arguments of “they did it first”. I don’t give a damn.

Stop!

Let me repeat that slowly for you. Read it carefully.

I… Don’t… Give… A… Damn…

Or put in another way. Just in case you didn’t understand me the first time.

I… Don’t… Give… A… Fuck…

You have excuses for killing the children of the other. You have excuses for murdering the innocent. You have excuses for every person who dies by your hands. But you have no excuse for killing hope.

Collateral damage…

It’s murder when you know it will happen. It is murder when you know that innocent people will die because of what you do. It is murder when you know all that and you still do it anyway. It… Is… Murder…

I see no hope. I see no hope…

It was killed by you. Both of you. Slowly but surely murdered when you put your hands on the throat of hope and squeezed the life out of love and peace.

You are dead to me. I will not give you hope. I will save that for those who want to live. Who want to peace. Who want love. And who want hope.

I see nothing in your eyes. In your face I see no smile. In your words I see no truth. In your hands I see blood. The blood of hope killed.

Both of you…

You two deserve each other. Hatred like this kills. It kills everything inside of you. Until there is nothing left but shells… Go ahead… See how much love that bullet carries. See how much peace are shared in the grenade. See how much hope explodes with each missile. The empty shells are you…

I know what to do when hope is gone…

I walk away and embrace the hope of the innocent. Elsewhere.

Ubuntu – I am because we are…

You two are not part of my “we” anymore.

Only the dead, the innocent and those suffering because of your hopeless war will be me. For them I reach out and say, “I am because you are”. But to those who war – I am not you because you war. You killers of hope.

When hope is gone…

That is when I nurse it an nourish it. Hold it and protect it. Care for it and love it. For those who really want it. And for those who deserve it.

Long live hope…

cryingangel

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Note: This was not easy to write. I have always stayed away from writing about the Israel-Palestinian war. I have friends there that I love and care for. People I hold dear. People that mean something to me. This is meant for the war itself. Not the people caught in the middle. Not even for those who seeks justification for this war. I know they have reasons. They see reasons. I see excuses on both sides. I see no peace. I see no end. I see people who are willing to kill each other until there is nothing left of the other side. Until there is nothing left anywhere. My ubuntu is with those who suffer no matter what the reasons and excuses might be. But this war… This endless war… Killing hope. I just see no reason for hope anymore. And I pray for them to see hope somehow. But I know not where…

This will be a long post but I want to and have to tell you about my second most important passion in life. You know about me and my girls – my wife and two daughters. But there is something else that runs a close second. I haven’t really spoken about them much on these pages. But they are in my blood. They affect my mood. And they are my boys.

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shankly

“Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I don’t like that attitude. I can assure them it is much more serious than that…”

You know who said that? The greatest football (soccer) manager to ever walk this earth – Bill Shankly. I can tell you so many stories about Bill Shankly… But I won’t. Just believe me when I say that he was the best manager to walk this earth in each and every way. And he managed the greatest team to ever walk this earth – Liverpool.

I won’t say that I have an obsession with Liverpool. It goes much deeper than that. Like Mr Shankly said… My blood runs Red. The Mighty Reds. And it all started in 1980-something…

I was never that into sports when I was little. I watched it but I wasn’t obsessed with it. I know, I wasn’t normal. At least not in South Africa. And then I saw my first Liverpool game. Man, I can’t even remember who they played. But I remember watching and seeing these guys play like a dream. The smooth passing of the ball. The confidence. The masters of the beautiful game. And the crowd…

Oh that crowd. The 12th man on the field as we call it. The Scousers on The Kop. They sit on the cheap seats. And they never ever give up. Never. They back their team to the end no matter what happens. And when we score – that is the first place you run to. Those Scousers…

(The Kop has a South African link. It’s named after Spion Kop in South Africa where the Brits got their backsides kicked during the Anglo Boer War. And the regiment stationed there had many Liverpudlians who died on the battlefield at the Battle for Spion Kop. It actually means Spy Hill – Spioenkop.)

I wasn’t a nice Liverpool supporter. I used to teach Political Science back in South Africa when I was younger and my students knew about the “Liverpool Rules”.

Rule 1: Never ever wear a shirt of any other football team in my classroom. You will get kicked out. Some people used to think I was joking with them when they came to class the first time and I asked them to leave. They’ll ask why and I’ll tell them that no non-Liverpool shirts are allowed in my classroom. They’ll laugh and then slowly realize I wasn’t joking when I didn’t even blink – just stared at them. They will quickly leave the class. And they will never wear that crap in my class again!

Rule 2: Expect a test on Monday if Liverpool loses over the weekend. They slowly picked up on that one. A spot-test on Monday if Liverpool lost over the weekend. Thankfully Liverpool never lost often but they did learn to study and come to class when Liverpool lose. And not to give me any opportunity to take out my frustrations on them.

My mood when Liverpool lost was never a pretty sight. Like I said – I have Red blood running through my veins. I have calmed down since I got my girls but I got them “My dad supports Liverpool and so do I” t-shirts!

Liverpool is drenched in history. From when we started off because we didn’t like the religious fanatics of Everton. To come from nowhere to be a dominant force across the world. Always a team for the workers. Never flashy. Always sticking to the basics and sticking together. Never glory boys – always together. Always one. Always knowing the history and the people who bleed Red.

And with the greatest players ever to have played the beautiful game. Legends. Reds… Dalglish, Keegan. Rush. Grobbelaar. Hansen. Barnes. Beardsley. Souness. And all the other Red Legends. You name them and we had them. They died for the team on the field. They were The Mighty Reds.

My first hero? The Fat-Man-In-The-Middle. Jan Molby

Man… He was fat for a football player. But he controlled the middle. He determined the pace and flow of the game. He could pass a ball across the park with pinpoint accuracy. He was the man. He hardly moved. He controlled a little circle in the middle of the park – maybe a 20 feet radius. But he was the man. And I just loved watching him sweat Red. And drive other teams crazy. This blob of a man with the gift from God.

He wasn’t born in Liverpool. Nope. He was from Denmark. But no one would ever have guessed that. He had this heavy Scouser accent. No one understood what he said but that didn’t matter – he was a Red and he was our main man in the middle. Once a Red always a Red. That’s what he showed us. And we believed.

My next big hero was a man called “god”. Robbie Fowler

He was simply the best striker to ever put that Red shirt on. And he was born in Liverpool. He scored on his debut and two weeks later scored all 5 goals when they thrashed Fulham. Man… He was The Man. The leading goalscorer ever to put that Red shirt on. He was as lazy as hell but knew how to score. Always at the right place at the right time. He couldn’t miss even if he tried. And we called him “god”. And boy, did we love him.

He was also the reason why I had a bad patch with Liverpool…

Liverpool always had a Liverpool guy in charge. Someone with deep-rooted Red blood running through their veins. People who came up through the ranks to take charge as manager was called up from “the boot room”. (They started cleaning boots at first.) The Liverpool boss always came from a Liverpool background. Always. But we went through a bad patch in the 90′s. We hardly won anything. An FA Cup here and a League Cup there. But never our bread-and-butter – the League. So we went where others went and employed our first ever guy as manager from outside of the boot room – Gérard Houllier. He was a good guy but he wasn’t a born Red. We gave him his chance. But it started going downhill when he sold “god”. I almost turned my back on Liverpool…

Those were dark days.

You have to understand that Liverpool is not just a soccer team. It is Liverpool. From the working class side of the docks. And the most successful club in the history of English football. We have won more League titles than anyone else. We have won the European Championship title more than anyone else. We are Liverpool. We do not lose. We win. Always. Because we are the Mighty Reds.

So the 90′s was bad for us. We hardly won anything after dominating the 70′s and 80′s. Eventually Gérard Houllier had to go. Winning three trophies in one year wasn’t even good enough if it didn’t include either the League or the EUFA Champions League title. And in came Rafa…

Oh Rafael Benítez…

He wasn’t from the boot room either. And he was Spanish! WTF? But we knew that he was the man. From day one. All he could talk about was Liverpool. He was offered way more money to go to the glory clubs – Real, Barcelona, Inter Milan, AC Milan… But he came to Liverpool. He was ready to bleed Red.

And we had a new hero or two emerging from the player side as well…

Steven Gerrard and Jamie Carragher. Both born and bred in Liverpool. Big Scousers. Red blood. And so different from each other.

Stevie G was and is simply the best midfielder in the world. He makes us who we are. He is the guy who will score the winning goal with seconds to spare. He is the guy you want to pass the ball to when you need a moment of brilliance to turn the game. He is Mr Liverpool. Down-to-earth but sublime. He has been offered so much money to go play elsewhere but always turn it down. Like he said, “What would I do when I am old one day and think about the time I left Liverpool? I was born a Red and will die a Red.” He is our man. He is our captain.

Jamie… He doesn’t have a tenth of the skills or talent that Stevie G (or anyone else for that matter) has got. But he is the wall you will not get through at the back. I have seen this guy cramp up and still lunge at attackers. You have to break his legs to make him even think of slowing down. He is everything that Liverpool stands for – not flashy but willing to die for the Scousers of Liverpool. He is the guy you want in the trenches with you when you are in a war. Because he will die for the cause. Die for the Mighty Reds.

Our Stevie G and Jamie – the heart of Liverpool today. Our big man. Our captain. Two Scousers and two Mighty Reds.

Now let me tell you about the greatest game of football ever played. The greatest game ever. Without a doubt. Up there with Ali and Foreman…

The 2005 EUFA Champions League Final.

It is the major club football trophy each year. We have won it 4 times – more than all the other English teams put together. But that was way back then when we still dominated. This time we were struggling in the Premier League in England and just scrapped through to the finals of the EUFA Champions League. We should really not have been there. We won games we should have lost. A few results went our way and somehow we made it to the finals. And this was Rafa’s first season in charge!

Everyone wrote us off before the game. How we should just celebrate the fact that we made it to the finals. That should be enough for us. As if Liverpool can settle for just that…

I was watching the game at home. Alone… I can’t handle watching Liverpool play. It drives me crazy and I go into a depressed state of mind when they lose. It’s best for me and everyone around to not let me watch them in public. So there I was…

And before I could open my first beer AC Milan scored their first goal…

They were all over us. They were the best team in Europe by a long shot. Everyone wrote us off before the match and here they scored in the first minute! And it got worse. Very quickly…

They scored again…

And again…

By half-time we were 3-0 down. And we were completely outplayed. We were like kids and they were the masters teaching us a lesson. They were having fun playing with us. It was a massacre. The gap in class showed. And it was painful to watch. Each goal was like and arrow to my heart. All the faint hope and belief I had before the game just disappeared. Our heads hung low. And our boys went off to gather their thoughts in the locker room somewhere at halftime…

Everyone wrote us off at halftime. Milan was a super team. The best defenders in the business. No way can any team come back from 3-0 down at halftime. Especially not a Liverpool team that wasn’t even close to being great. The commentators all spoke about how Liverpool must just try to not lose too badly. Keep the score down to a respectable level. No chance back. They actually felt sorry for us. Talking about how the mighty have fallen. How this was a shadow of the Liverpool of old. How we came here with nothing but empty promises. How we already lost this game. They all knew that and believed it…

And then the Scousers started singing…

You’ll Never Walk Alone“…

That is our song. A song that sounds like Sinatra should be singing it. Not a song for sport – any sport. But that is our song. Because our boys must know that You’ll Never Walk Alone. We all go down together and we all suffer together. No matter how bad things get – we stand by our team. We bleed with our boys. The boys in Red…

Just listen to this… Remember this game was played in Turkey but you can hear the Scousers sing and sing… Recorded from the stands…

Man, I still get goosebumps from that.

And the boys heard them sing from inside the locker room. And Rafa said, “Go out and make the fans proud. We can lose but we can never give up. We lose together but make the fans proud of who you represent and what you stand for in their eyes.” Or something like that anyway. No one is willing to say what he said but we know he said something about them having to go out and make the fans proud and that they must remember that they are Liverpool players – and that means something. And the boys went out to play…

And that man Stevie scored a beautiful goal. Just one from the captain. And he started waving his arms to the crowd and the rest of the team. Yelling at them to “come on!” Getting the boys up from the floor. Reminding them who they are and reminding them about that shirt they are wearing. And somehow the team woke up and realized what it meant to have that Red shirt on. The remembered that they will never walk alone. They are the Reds. The Mighty Reds…

We came back from the dead. We scored again. First Smicer who couldn’t score all season and who was already on his way out to join another team. And then again. Alonso taking a penalty and it being saved. But he followed it up and scored! Everything Liverpool stood for came through on that day. It was as if Shankly was playing with the boys. Smiling from above. Playing like only Liverpool knew how to play. Never give up and never give in. Because you are the Mighty Reds. You’ll Never Walk Alone.

It was 3-3. But our boys were out on their feet. Jamie was cramping up badly but refused to leave the field. He made one tackle after the other. Each time staying down because of his cramping legs.

Injury time… And we have run out of substitutes.

Milan was hammering at our goalkeeper. Jerzy Dudek made one unbelievable save after another. They kept on missing and Jerzy kept on making unbelievable saves. Right at the death of injury time the greatest player of the year, Shevchenko had to score for Milan – a clear run at goal and only a few yards out. And somehow Jerzy got a hand to it – but just enough to push it back to Shevchenko. Shevchenko just had to tap it in…

But Jerzy was there again. He had no clue what he did but he saved it. Again!

That’s when I knew. I knew this was going to be our day… Just maybe we are back where we belong…

And the whistle blew and extra time was over.

Penalties!

Jerzy wasn’t the greatest keeper in the world but Jamie ran up to him and shouted something only a true Scouser will remember to use, “Remember Grobbelaar in 84!”

Liverpool played in the 1984 European Cup Final and Bruce Grobbelaar was the keeper. It also came down to penalties and Bruce did his “spaghetti legs” impression. Moving his legs as if it was spaghetti to distract the penalty taker. And it worked. Liverpool won in 1984. And now Jerzy was going to do the same?

Pirlo was up to take the penalty for Milan. And Jerzy did the “spaghetti legs”…

And he saved it!

It went one way and another for the next few penalties. We missed one and they missed another one. It all came down to Shevchenko to keep Milan in the game. There was no way the greatest player in the world would miss a penalty.

Or was there?

Jerzy did the “spaghetti legs” one last time… Shevchenko ran up not looking at Jerzy. Staying cool. Jerzy dived to his right…

Shevchenko hit it straight down the middle…

And Jerzy saved it with his legs!

We won! We won! God dammit, we won!

I was jumping up and down screaming and shouting like a madman. I went crazy. This was the greatest day in the world! We are back! We are back! And only in the way Liverpool could do it! By playing the greatest game of football ever!

Everyone thought I was crazy. Our little one didn’t know any better but still shouted along with her dad, “Come on you Reds! Come on you Reds!”

We won the penalty shootout 3-2…

We were champions again! And I was crying like a little baby…

Look at this video. It is the highlights of that game. The greatest game of football ever to have been played. That’s my team. That’s the Mighty Reds. Liverpool Football Club. (Hey, even the music is cool to listen to!)

The greatest game ever…

Another shorter version. The one that makes me cry whenever I watch this short reminder of that day – which is often! The greatest day of 2005. Music – In My Life… You HAVE to watch this one…

That’s the story of my second biggest passion in life. Liverpool…

We are top of the league right now. Still a long way to go. Who knows whether we will win the league this year. Who knows. But you know…

You’ll Never Walk Alone

(The original version with stills from that game in 2005.)

I’m a Red. I bleed Red. I am Liverpool.

gerrard_wallpaper

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A few more quick stories about Liverpool. Two about me and one about why I bleed Red. And that one gets to the heart and soul of Liverpool…

1. I actually missed all 3 those goals Liverpool scored in the second half in 2005! I was so down after we went behind 3-0 that I decided to walk over to the Co-op to buy a few more beers. I thought I needed a few more to drown my sorrows! I went at half-time… I was walking back with my head hanging low when I heard cheers and shouting coming from the houses down our road. Yes, everyone was watching. I though to myself that at least Liverpool scored a goal. I got home and put the beers down and opened a cold one – ready catch the rest of the game. And missed the second goal! I looked at the telly and decided to quickly go for a… hum… toilet break. And missed the bloody third goal! Liverpool scored all three their goals in the space of 12 minutes. And I missed them all… Needless to say, but I didn’t move again for the rest of the game! The girls had to hand me fresh cold beers…

2. The other story happened when me and my lovely suffering wife went over to the UK for the first time – back in 1994. She had to go back to South Africa for her brother’s wedding and I stayed behind. With all our money. So one day I was just walking around in London and happened to walk into the shop that had all these Liverpool goodies. I had to really look hard to “just walk into the shop”… Anyway, so I walked in and blew all out money on Liverpool stuff. Scarves and caps and shirts and wallets and loads of other stuff. The one cap is a red tartan one with woolly ear covers with the Liverpool logo on the front. My wife still refuses to let me wear it in public. And I still have no clue why I needed 3 of exactly the same wallets… I was like a kid in a candy store. I just couldn’t stop buying and buying Liverpool crap… I mean goodies. For some reason my wife was less than pleased with my purchasing habits.

3. Liverpool has many football enemies. Two stand out – Manchester United and Everton. Man U because they are the other “big” team in England. Of course we have won more trophies than them and they are a bunch of glory boys hunting the limelight… Anyway, Everton is the other BIG enemy because they are also from Liverpool. Actually, we share the same park. Anfield, our grounds, are on the one side of Stanley Park and Everton’s piece of mud and grass on the other side. We wear Red and they wear blue. There is NOTHING like the local derby. Nothing. We can not lose against them. They are the enemy. We were actually all just Everton back before Liverpool was created but we couldn’t stand their uppity ways and religious fanatics. So we started our own club. And so Liverpool FC was born. And they have hated us since then – because we are bigger than them and have won more trophies than them and are more loved in Liverpool than them. We kicked our older brother’s backside. The hate runs deep…

But sometimes we remember what this world is all about. A moment I will NEVER forget…

A little boy of 12 called Rhys Jones from Liverpool was brutally murdered on 22 August 2007. Shot in the back. It sent shock waves through Liverpool and the whole of the UK. He was just a kid. A good kid. And little Rhys was a huge Everton fan. He even had a season ticket to their games. Now you have to understand that Liverpool and Everton are mortal football enemies. They make the Red Sox and Yankees look like a Sunday school class. Nothing good ever happens between these two clubs. And little Rhys was an Everton fan. He wore blue… His favorite song was called Johnny Todd - the Z-cars theme tune and the Everton version of You’ll Never Walk Alone. It would never be played at Anfield. Never. But it was played at Anfield. Just once…

The Liverpool fans asked the club to do something that has never been done before. To show that the city is united as one even when the city is divided between the Reds and the blues. The family of little Rhys was asked to join Liverpool before a major game on the field – with the Everton manager there as well. And the played Z-Cars… While the Jones family stood on the field in their blue outfit. Johnny Todd playing to salute Rhys. To wrap the Liverpool arms around his family. To make his one dream come true. For Z-Cars to be played at Anfield. And everyone at Anfield sang along. We were all Evertonians for a day. And of course we won that game for Rhys.

There wasn’t a dry eye to be seen. I cried my heart out when I saw it. But that is my team. Because even an Everton fan like Rhys Jones must know that You’ll Never Walk Alone

Yes… That’s my team. Those are my boys. And my blood runs Red. Because I know…

You’ll Never Walk Alone.

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bigots

This might be a little touchy… I tend not to write too much about religion around here. One of those sensitive areas that get people all worked up. But maybe it’s time to dig a little bit deeper. Bigots tend to hide in “high” places and behind big claims… And, of course, a lot of the things I want to write on religion comes back to haunt me. Am I doing what I accuse other people of doing in the name of religion. Well, tough. I’ll do it any way. Bigots beware…

Let’s make this clear. This is not aimed at any specific religion. I don’t care if you are Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu or Buddhist – or anything else for that matter. I don’t care if you are mainstream or somewhere hidden in a sect in the mountains. The rules stay the same. If you are a bigot then… Well, let’s just say that either your religious beliefs are warped or your God is warped. Your choice.

Tell me, what does your God teach you? Does he teach you to hate? Does he teach you to make war? Does he teach you to discriminate? Does he tell you that you are better than the next person? Or that those who look like you are His chosen people and the others are out of luck – and it’s open season on those out of luck? Well, buddy, you suck if you believe in that. And your God suck if He tells you that.

I don’t claim to be much of a religious expert. I believe and I know I am pretty pathetic when it comes to sinning – we all do really. All I know is the basic stuff – don’t do this and don’t do that. You know just the basic generic stuff. They’re all the same rules – more or less. Don’t kill (or murder) is pretty much in there somewhere in most (if not all) of the major religions. Yeah, for those who don’t know – the Qur’an (5:32) says, “….anyone who murders any person who had not committed murder or horrendous crimes, it shall be as if he murdered all the people.” Thoseguys who flew those airplanes? Straight to hell. No matter what the mad man in the cave has to say.

Talking about mad men in caves. We know the one with the grey beard hiding up in the mountains is as crazy as bat shit. But he isn’t the only one who claims to “lead his people” who might just be more than a little crazy…

Is your spiritual leader telling you that he speaks to God? Or that God speaks to him? Well guess what… The voices in their heads have a medical term attached to it. I think the correct technical term is… Crazy. Insane. Nuts. Loony. Sorry to disappoint you, but God doesn’t talk to the big head standing on the pulpit preaching. He doesn’t have the Verizon network.

Why the hell do you think He would talk to your guy? Because your guy says so? Well guess what? Why does it generally go with something you have to do instead of the liar leading you? Did Osamathe Coward fly the airplanes? No he didn’t. Did the preacher say that you should give him some money instead of the other way around? Did he say don’t sleep around but then got caught witha prostitute around the corner? Do they drive a nice car and have a nice house while telling you to donate to the “work of God”? Do they spend money on lobbying for policy changes while people are dying of hunger? Are they paying for ads against gay marriages while people are losing their jobs and livelihoods? I think God will most likely pick someone witha little bit less mouth and more character. Someone who cares about being good and doing good more than what they care about how other people are behaving…

Ask yourself this question… Why the hell is your religion so interested in controlling what others are doing instead of what the hell they themselves are doing? You beat your wife? You look at that girl down the road and wouldn’t mind a piece of that? You keep that $10 mistaken change because it’s your lucky day? You think that car of your neighbor is pretty cool and you have just a touch of jealousy? You rather watch the game on Saturday or Sunday or go shopping instead of taking it easy as the Book says? You sometimes say “Oh my Gawd” or “Jeeze” and never thought where it might actually come from? You like the big screen telly a little bit too much – almost like it is your god instead of the God you claim to follow? You break thoseGod-given rules so often but still think it is a much better idea to “fix” thosewho don’t believe in your version of God? It’s fine to throw stones at those who don’t attend your church? But you can’t stick to your own rules? Believer on a Sunday and a bigot the rest of the time? No. The bigotry starts at your church.

That’s what we call bigotry of the self. When you look at other people and throw stones at them instead of getting your own house in order. You want a voice on gay marriages? Then why don’t you first start by solving your own teen pregancies, divorces, wife beating, family murders, forced marriages in one way or another, multiple partners and other forms of moral corruption before you come and try to throw your weight around here.

You remind me of the same big government you apparently despise so much. Big mouth but once the shit hits the fan? Then we have to clean up after you. Get your house in order. Learn to be “just” according to your beliefs before you tell other people how they don’t “comply” to what your God said they should comply with.

For God sake. You can’t even stick to your own rules. Who fuck are you to tell other people to stick to your rules?

About those rules…

Did your God say that you should judge others? Or did your God say that you should first sort yourself out before you open your big mouth?

And if your rules says that other people shouldn’t have certain rights… Then stick your God where the sun don’t shine. Yes, you heard me right.

Why should I care about your God if your God doesn’t care about me? Huh? Come on… Tell me. Why should I care if you tell me that He doesn’t care?

If your God tells you it is just fine to be a bigot… Then He isn’t much of a God or you aren’t much of a follower.

Your God tells me more about you than what you tell me about Him. If you claim your God doesn’t tolerate gay marriages then I don’t tolerate your God. Why should I? If you claim that your God doesn’t tolerate equal rights for all then I don’t tolerate your beliefs. If your God tells you that you believing in Him makes you better than others and allows you to take out your “righteousness” on those “others” then I don’t listen to Him. If your God tells you that you should give more money to the preacher shouting those words of hate then I will shout back even louder. If your God tells you it is okay to kill others in His name then I will defend those who you attack.

Any bigotry coming from your God via your mouth means nothing. It remains bigotry. And you remain a bigot. And the words of your God remains full of bigotry if you spew out your bigoted lies.

So take you God. And live your life with Him. According to His words. I want nothing to do with you or your God. He is not my God. And you are not my people.

Actually… No.

Your God is a figment of your bigotry. And I am taking the true God back.

Don’t think that your God is my God. He is not. You can call Him by the same name but He is NOT your God. Better still… Why don’t you just use another name. I don’t give a shit what you call Him. Just leave my God out of this. I am taking Him back. To where He belongs. With us. He is ours.

Because he is just. He is compassionate. He is tolerant. He is he is respect. He is life. He is love.

He knows how pathetic I am. That’s why He laughs at me. And smiles at me. And why He loves me. Because He knows I am pretty pathetic. But He knows He is mine because of how stupid I am. He knows I don’t like you because of what you do to others and He doesn’t like that. But He is tolerant and forgiving. Thank God for that. But I am not. He knows, that’s just me. Because of us.

And it is time to take God back.

You have used and abused His name long enough. No, you have used and abused Him long enough. Your hatred and bigotry from the crusades to slavery to the Klan to flying airplanes into building to strapping bombs to your chest to denying equal rights to others to beheading and stoning people to… to… to everything that you have done in His name. Stop it right now.

Stop. It. Right. Now.

Time to take God back.

He is not yours. He never was. You just abused Him like you do with your powers and your hatred and your bigoted way. You just used him like a rag to clean up your mess you left behind on the counter of life each time you spilled and spewed your bigotry.

Each and every bigot talking about how God does not stand for this equality or that justice and his freedom or her liberty. Stop it. You are raping God the way you have raped this world for centuries in His name. No more. He is not yours.

No. More.

He. Is. Not. Yours.

My God is the God of Mother Theresa and Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr and Nelson Mandela. The God of peace and happiness. My God believes in love and life. My God believes in freedom and justice. My God believes in equality and liberty. My God believes in compassion and passion. My God believes in goodness and doing good. My God believes in me and in us. Because, with God on our side, I am because we are.

My God believes in love not war. My God believes in understanding not hatred. My God believes in compassion and not bigotry. My God embraces before he declares war. My God believes in living amongst everyone before he kills anyone. My God is a liberal who cares about others more than what he cares about Himself. My God believes in us and not you.

So…

Stop using Him for your own selfish reasons. You’ve had your time. And now your time has come. My God is not your God. The only God you know is the hatred in your heart and the bigotry of self. And that is not God.

I am taking God back. We are taking God back.

Now go. My God has no place for bigots. God has no place for bigots.

gandhi20playing20with20a20child

________________________

(Note 1: I know the gaping hole in my argument. I am telling people not to judge but live according to the principle of God and not the bigoted God some are trying to sell them, but at the same time I am judging. Oh well… At least I am judging based on what their own beliefs are saying and if they don’t agree – just don’t call him God because he isn’t the same God as mine.) 

Note 2: Before someone attacks me for referring to God as a “He”. I just didn’t feel like writing Him/Her or He/She the whole bloody time. It’s silly. Argue the bigger point and don’t nit-pick minor details. Just swap the Him for Her and see if it changes anything. I can’t live with a God that is bigot – male or female.)

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