I will be on vacation next week. Yeah! But I don’t want you to miss the most important news of the week. So I looked into my little crystal ball (popularly known as a three shot coffee) and found next week’s news! So sit back and let me tell you how the news will unfold next week. Many surprises and not a single lie…

The Cosmic Times - Always ahead with the news

North Korea to have multi-party democratic elections

North Korea shocked the world today when it announced the first multi-party democratic elections to be held in North Korea in centuries. If not forever. Chairman Kim Jong-il made the announcement during the Mass Games glorifying his life as the leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. It was attended by his 100,000 most fearful loyal subjects. The elections will be contested by three parties - or as Chairman Kim Jong-Il said, “One more than the Americans”. It is unclear whether he was aware of the Libertarians and the Green Party. Or if Americans are aware of these two parties.

The three parties to contest the elections are The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea Party, The Democratic Republic of Korea People’s Party, The People’s Party of the Democratic Republic of Korea. Together they will be known as the Three Socially Trivial Organizations Of Generally Exploited Societies (or the 3 STOOGES). All North Koreans will have the option to vote for any of the three parties. They also have the option to not vote. And they get a free prison sentence with option 2.

In a move that Chairman Kim Jong-il calls “a major leap forward in the evolution of democracy”, a minor deviation from traditional democracies will be part and parcel of the Korean democratic elections. All three parties will be represented by the same people. Each party will receive the same list of people from the Fatherland Accreditation & Representation Team (FART). The parties can decide where they put them on their electoral list. As long as they put them in the same order provided by FART. They can change the header. Almost. As long as it is the same header as provided by FART.

Chairman Kim Jong-il also announced that he will from now on be known as the Uber Chairman, seeing that his now very dead father already took the name of Eternal President. The word “damn” could be heard right after he made this announcement.

Iraq declares Christianity as official religion

The White House today celebrated the end of the Crusade War in Iraq when it was announced that Iraq will officially change their national religion to Christianity. In a statement released by the White House, President Bush said “mission accomplished”. Apparently it wasn’t a very long statement. But loud music, shouts of joy and partying could be heard coming from the White House until the early hours in the morning. Police were asked to intervene when the neighbors complained about the “frat boys” in the White House causing a public disturbance and being a public nuisance. It wasn’t clear if the complaint was related to the actual partying or just a general complaint about the White House. The police get these type of complaints daily.

No more updates from Iraq are available at this time as Iraq currently falls under a no-news zone.

The White House also announced that President Bush has almost completed his study of the alphabet. It is hoped that President Bush can then invade, support or threaten countries whose names start with letters from the last part of the alphabet. He apparently got a bit stuck on the “I” bit and wanted to have more options and move away from invading, supporting or threatening countries starting with “I”. Apparently there is no “I” in “us”. But there is an “I” in “invade” and we have had enough of that.

In an unrelated development, Zimbabwe announced that it has decided to change their name by dropping the “Z”. They will now be known as Imbabwe.

Mugabe says he is sorry

From the official Zimbabwean government controlled news agency - the Zimbabwean Information Panel & Intelligence Trust (ZIP-IT): President Robert Mugabe today said that he was sorry. It wasn’t clear what he was sorry about, but is it newsworthy that he said it in any case. We think it was because he forgot to water the plants.

New UN study find Russians to be least corrupt

The UN released their latest study regarding the state of the world economy. The yearly report analyses the latest global development challenges and this year focused on the general health of the world economy. The 2008 report was titled International Trade - Society Under Constant Knowledge & Economic Depression (IT-SUCKED). Apparently the global economy is not doing well.

In a surprise development, Russia was ranked 1st out of 205 countries as the least corrupt country in the world. They were ranked at number 205 in 2007. Russian President Medvedev, not a tennis player, said that it was proof that Russia “is the best country in the world”. Commentators noted that he wasn’t as eloquent as Putin.

In an unrelated story, the UN Research and Empirical Agency for Learning (UN-REAL) was caught in an oil-for-food oh-the-fool controversy. The agency was researching the state of the world economy when they allegedly accepted bribes to influence the research findings. The agency was alerted to irregularities when they noticed that the Russia section included too many unscientific statements such as “wow”, “awesome”, “best ever”, “gnarly” and “wickedly cool”. The intern who wrote the piece, a surfer from Australia, have been suspended until further notice.

The US one-car policy

Presidential candidate Ralph Nader announced what would be the backbone of his environmental plan when he completes his expected victory to become the next President of the United States of America. In a move that some call “worse than the Chinese One-Child Policy”, Nader proposed that all Americans be limited to one car each. The One-Car Policy, or New Ownership: Car and Automobile Notification for Driver Orientation (NO CAN DO) will limit all Americans to one single car per person. But not everyone was happy about his policy. In fact, no one was happy. Not even Nader himself.

Environmental activist complained that Nader backed off too much from the original proposal of one car per household. Greenpeace spokesperson, Tree H. Ugger, said that “Nader is so not cool anymore, dude.” A Nader spokesperson, Jus T. Foff, responded that such a proposal is completely impractical as it will mean removing more than 90% of all cars in America. He was quoted as saying that “we just don’t have enough Federal land to store all these cars. Not with all the oil drilling and chopping down the trees taking place.”

This will be the first test for the Nader campaign since he become the odds-on favourite to win the Presidential election. Nader is a surprising leader in the polls after Republican candidate McCain and Democratic nomination Obama were caught by Fox News in what is called the Countries-For-Vote Scandal. McCain said that he could not recall the meeting, then changed it to saying that he just mis-remembered, and finally acknowledged that he doesn’t know anything that happened before 2 pm yesterday. But even that has changed as he can not recall 2 pm yesterday either. Or as he said, “2 p what?”. Meanwhile Obama said they were merely playing the board game Risk.

It looked as if Obama might survive this latest scandal but was hurt at the polls when the Democratic Party decided not to back Obama as they still haven’t found their backbone. The search continues, but President Bush denies being involved in any undercover operation that removed the backbone. The search continues.

New Super-Humongous-Immensely-Terrific Church found

Not merely happy with having a Mega-Church, religious leaders in America have decided to merge their churches into the single largest church in the world. The Super-Humongous-Immensely-Terrific Church. Or as church members call it - the SHIT Church. Bill and Rush, two potential new Church members, have already announced publicly that they are happy to be SHITs.

The only sticky point at this stage is whether the Church will be right wing or far-right wing. SHITs just can’t agree. It might seem superficial, but it is a deep running divide. For example, half of the SHITs want to chase all immigrants into the sea, but the other half refuses to allow any immigrants on the beaches.

The SHIT Church hopes to expand globally and have already identified a number of European Churches they hope to include in the mega merger. But it might not be as easy at it seems. The European Union is currently investigating whether the new Church threatens competition policies. Monsieur F. Rogg, from France, was quoted as saying that an anti-trust investigation has been initiated. Partly because they heard the words “trust me” just a few times too many to trust just any SHIT.

US Economy on a sharp upturn

The US economy has bounced back strongly after months of sharp declines. All economic indicators showed sharp upturns - more jobs were created than before, shares were up, housing market strengthened, consumer confidence increased and bankruptcies dropped dramatically. The White House praised the new economic strategy of President Bush as the key reason for the sudden turnaround.

President Bush’s economic plan, the New Order: Social and Economic Narrative for Stupidity Epitomized (NO SENSE) is based on a very simple principle. Turn the tables. Literally - turn the tables. Graphics that previously showed a downturn will now only be shown upside down - making everything look so much better. Instead of something going down, the new graphic version will show it going up. The “up” side will be towards zero and negatives, but at least it is showing an “increase”.

Economists from the World Trade Foundation (WTF) are still trying to figure this one out.

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So looking forward to next week.

For those who don’t believe in evolution - stop reading. No wait! It actually doesn’t matter. My question will stay the same. Whether you do it in the name of God. Or Allah. Or Yourselfishness. Or the Big Emptiness. Or communism. Or the Dalai Lama. Or Ganesha. Or the dog down the road. It doesn’t matter. The question stays the same.

What are we doing?

Do you know what a privilege it is to be here on earth? Think about it. You are so damn lucky.  Think about how you somehow managed to pick the one little ball of rock that can sustain life. Billions of years ago. A Big Bang. It took a few billion years for enough dust particles to stick together. And eventually form earth. A few lost comets and debris crashing into this little ball provided the stuff needed to start good old earth. Water. H and little bit of O. And… And the other stuff like hum… metals and chemicals needed to eventually hang around to build this blue looking rock hanging out in space. And it started swinging. Swinging away around the sun. A touch of atmosphere. And it gets to grips with itself - gravity. And it stays just far enough and close enough from the sun to maybe sustain life.

And it did. Life came to earth. Think back to what it took to get you here. After a few more years. A billion plus. Something stirred. From deep inside… hum… somewhere. And life was born. Not much of a life. Not as we know it. But it stirred. And eventually formed some algae. That at bloody last turned into something with eyes and fins. Got sick and tired of staying in the water the whole time and eventually crawled out. From there it was a hop, skip and a jump to monkey and then man. What a ride.

Think about it. Your ancestors. From the algae that didn’t get burned. To that thing in the water that didn’t get eaten by our early cousin the shark. Crawled unto land and somehow managed to make it. Not get squashed by big old Apatosaurus. Hid from the saber-toothed tiger while hanging out in the trees. Dodged  bullets during wars. Each and every single day. For billions of years. Your ancestors got the lucky breaks. Always at the right place at the right time. Never got caught flatfooted. Never choked on a banana or a flea picked from our less lucky uncle Earl. Remember him? He “invented” the spear by accident. But it got stuck in his head. In on the one side and out the other side. He didn’t make it. No. Our ancestors always got away. For billions of years. And here you are. Drum roll please. Ta da!

We are damn, damn lucky. It took so much effort just to get us here. All the breaks you could ask for - we got it. Talk about being privileged. Talk about knowing the right people. Having the right genes. And here we are. So what are we doing? What are we doing?

What are we doing with our lucky break?

We sit in front of the idiot box and watch stupid stories of murder or love or “reality”. We drive our big fat cars to fit our big fat ego’s. We eat hormone induced meat because we can’t bother to hunt or even know where our food comes from. We sit in our air-conditioned offices and watch the world go by. All the time trying to sell something. To make more money. Selling ourselves. Selling our souls. Selling lies. And we go home and have no time for those we leave behind. We don’t look at them and show them how to make sure we stay lucky. How we can make this little rock last a little bit longer. To make those who will come after us have a chance the way we got our chance. And that’s the good part.

We fight wars. We kill in the name of whatever. Or Whatever. But in truth we murder and kill in our own name. It’s us. Not Him. Or Her. Or It. We seek war before we put out our hand in friendship. We will rather fight than try to live. We breed hate before we nurture love. Kill before caring. We would step on that algae that made us before we nurture it to life. Thank god Mother Earth does not have our temperament. She doesn’t care. She just does. We care. We care about us. And not others.

We gather things. Things we don’t need. We live for greed. We stuff our faces and then send the rest down the drain. Garbage disposal. We don’t share with those who might need it more. We don’t think that the scraps on our table that gets thrown away can feed a family that comes from our less lucky uncle Earl. And we live for the need for more. More money. More houses. More cars. A better phone. An iPhone. A better laptop. Better cable. Virtual life on the net. Tweeting on Twitter. It’s us, us, us. More, more, more. We just do what is good for us. And not others.

And then we blame. We blame the others when we can’t look in the mirror. When we are so addicted to our lives, but not to life. Addicted to wanting more. And war. And the lies we tell ourselves and to others to make it okay. Okay for ourselves. Because we can’t look in the mirror. What are we doing?

Why can’t we evolve? Move forward. Laugh at uncle Earl? Not be like cousin shark. Be a little more in it together?

Why don’t we do our best to make this little world better? To care a little bit more? Why don’t we look after each other? Why don’t we stop the killing? And the dying? And the hunger? Why don’t we know that we are all the same? In the same boat. That it doesn’t matter where you live. Or what you believe. Because, in the end, all we have while we are here and before we die is us. Just us. And our little rock. Why don’t we know that war and hate and blame and greed and… don’t solve problems? That love and friendship and life and caring and sharing and… and… That these are the things that we can leave behind. The lessons to help those who come after us. Because what we leave behind is what will define tomorrow. When we are the ancestors. When our descendants will look back and laugh at how funny we looked. Like Grandpa Algae.

We are lucky. Always have been. And even luckier that we can’t see the future. And that our ancestors can’t see us today. What would they think? What would they ask? Papa Algae won’t be impressed.

What are we doing?

That’s what my mom used to tell me whenever I made a mistake. Own it. Okay, maybe not. That wasn’t really her style. And she wasn’t English. But it would have been great. I am sure she would have used it if she knew any better. If she saw some of my decisions close up.

Anyway…

This is about IndyMac. Going down. Big time. Faster than the President’s approval rating. And they are both equally popular with economist across the USA right now. The only thing going faster than people withdrawing their money out of IndyMac is people withdrawing their 2004 Presidential vote.

As a side note: Try this next time you are in a large group of people - ask them who voted for Bush in 2004. Note the lack of hands pointing to the sky? And the number of eyes staring at the floor? Or picking fluff off their shirts? Don’t worry, it’s an universal thing. You couldn’t get anyone to acknowledge that they voted for the old Apartheid National Party in meetings after 1994 either. A tad ashamed I think. The living proof that their decisions can be so wrong and that they can be duped. Easily. Anyway, let’s go back to IndyMac.

Firstly, you really shouldn’t trust any company working with your money that has a name that is a mix between a racing competition and a burger joint. Getting sick… fast. IndyMac? Who the hell thought of that name in the first place? Okay, if you don’t want to go for the race and burger name, try this one. A Scottish version of Indiana Jones? Come on. The Scots even deep fry pizza and Mars Bars! Would you trust your money with a guy like that? But hey, anything goes in Hollywood right?

And Fanny and Freddie? Not much better. Fanny - need I say more? Freddie? Kruger…

But that isn’t why I am writing about IndyMac. No. It’s about Schumer. Apparently the Office of Thrift Supervision didn’t like the fact that he wrote a letter earlier in the week spelling out his concerns regarding IndyMac. You see, he thought they they might be in a spot of bother. Duh! So what’s the problem with that? OTS didn’t like him writing a letter. (Thrift office? What kinda name is that? Is that the same as the Oxfam shops in the UK?) And no, they weren’t pissed at Schumer because Uber Commander Bush can’t read big words. No, they didn’t like him saying that the bank was in trouble. WTF?

The bank was in trouble. Right? So what’s the problem? As Schumer said, are you going to blame the guy phoning 911 for the crime that is being committed? Aah. Wait, I get it. You just don’t like to report the crime. People might notice. And the neighborhood might go down the drain. Stupid bloody regulators. The OTS effectiveness remind me a bit of the brilliant FEMA response during Katrina…

Toothless? No, just incompetent. And when that happens you go to the top. Right to the top. All the way baby. Hello baby Bush. Let’s talk.

El Presidente Bush you are running the show. Right? You are the Big Cheese. The Main Man. Right? Then the buck stops with you. Doesn’t it? Own it baby. Own it. Or are you going to ask for another $600 billion to fund the war in Iraq?

This economy is crashing. And you have no more money to ask for. Maybe a few dollars to throw around to use as a band aid. But the growth keeps on growing and no band aid can cover that anymore. Or is it just a mental issue? (No, don’t answer that.) No, this economy is getting shattered faster than you legacy. Own it. You are the man in charge. Don’t blame others. Don’t hide. Don’t run. Don’t wait. Be The Man. You thought invading Iraq was a tough decision? Your actions over the next few months will decide if you really had the right size balls to run this country. No more excuses. The chips are down and you can’t invade another country to fix this economy. You actually have to think and act. Both. And daddy’s money can’t bail you out of this one. This isn’t the Texas Rangers.

Don’t blame Schumer. Or Congress. Or China. Or Iran. Or immigrants. Or Americans. Or the vote. Or Al-Qaeda. Or Global Warming. Just don’t blame. Act as if you run a big company. Who takes ownership if the… hum… sh… paw paw strikes the fan? The Big Boss does. Who’s the man? You are. Do it. Now.

The clock is running. And the blame game is over.

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Note: Read the CNN article. The White House was unavailable for comment…

I know, I haven’t done this for a while. It’s a combination of China and cocktails. Too long visiting one and too long just holding on to the other one. Hum, actually that goes for both of them… But let’s give it a shot.

1. Please sir, may I have some more?

Oh now we know we are in a recession baby. The land of true whiners, (Not-So) Great Britian, are feeling the pinch. And they are taking it out on the kids! Oh deary, deary me. You see, like all financial institutions, The Bank of Mom and Dad has been hit by the credit crunch. And they are just not that much into giving at the moment. Not enough cash to go around. So what did they do? Cut down on the pocket money. Those poor English roses just can’t buy the nice strawberry and cream at Wimbledon anymore. Shame poor little darlings. I don’t think I will spill too many tears on this one. It’s more like the yobs can’t afford the Burberry clothes anymore. Or the beers they drink in the park. Or, the latest craze, knives, anymore. Nah. Don’t feel too sorry for them. Britain has changed into a nanny state many years ago and I am sure the government will find a new way to pamper their little yobs darlings. There is no Great Britain anymore. The only “G” that goes with Britain is “Good god” Britain. And remember to role your eyes when you say it.

2. The law is going to the dogs

This woman called Leona Helmsley let her fortune go to the dogs. You know, she left about $8 billion to look after the poor mutts of this world. Stupid? Of course. Silly? Without a doubt. But now some wise ass Boston College professor claims that “we” are giving almost half of that money and not her. Why? Because the donation is not taxed and therefore indirectly comes from tax money - my money and your money. Really. It’s a stupid argument to make. Yes, there are better ways to spend the almost $4 billion that comes from “us”. But he makes one hell of an assumption to think that government will spend it on anything useful. I would rather let Skippy eat steak every night thanks to Crazy Auntie Leona than spend one single dollar more on a stupid war. Leona might be crazy (and she was as ugly as hell with that all that cosmetic surgery), but not as crazy as some of those people in DC. I have one specific guy in mind… And I really don’t want to give him anything more to play with.

3. A country of Wieners

So Gramm made a bit of a “misspoke”. Calling Americans a country of whiners. I would shut up if I was Gramm. His surname is way to silly to take seriously. I mean really, it sounds very similar to what we will call lightweight in the metric system… Anyway. I actually almost agree with him. But I think he got the wording wrong. It’s not “whiner” it’s “wieners”. For two reasons. Firstly, you guys really like hotdogs. And with baseball season in full swing it makes sense with the wiener sausages and all. But, more seriously, we also use the term “wiener” back home to talk about someone who gets scared easily. Or who falls for some weird scary story. Like in “Donner dude, you are such a wiener. That’s not a shark, it’s a dude with his wienersticking out.” (This is another meaning of wiener - meaning… hum… go check Wikipedia.) I mean really. Scared of Iran? You can’t rule through fear. Because you will end up fighting everyone and hating everyone and not trusting anyone. Get a grip people. You (we) need a new leader with some real leadership. Stop being a such wieners.

4. I don’t give a flying…

Airlines are being hit pretty hard by the high oil prices. So hard that they are now asking people to lobby government on their behalf. Hum. I don’t think so. You start NOT charging me $15 per bag. Or maybe you can start arriving on time - or leaving on time for that matter. And maybe you can serve me crap food instead of no food on these long haul flights. And a drink while I am stuck on the tarmac for a few hours after another “delay”. And just maybe you start upgrading your plane to a post-Nixon grade planes. Or include something more entertaining than barfbags to keep me entertained. And a little more legroom than than a Grade A classroom. And I haven’t even started with you yet American Airlines… You want to know why you can’t compete? Because you are incompetent and know nothing about customer service. We’ll pay more if you pay more attention. Go ask why some of the other airlines like BA, Virgin, Comair (in South Africa), China Air, Air Cameroon and many others can all look after us and still turn a profit. Come back when you have an answer. I won’t hold my breath. But you did give me an idea. Maybe I should start lobbying government to open up the air to some foreign competition. Yes, people might bitch for the loss of “sovereignty” but they’ll very quickly forget once they sit in comfy chairs and bite into a nice juicy BA sandwich. One they didn’t have to pay $5 dollars for.

5. The world got neutered… by President Bush

Sometimes the world is willing to show a bit of guts (or show they have balls) and take on a leader who is truly evil and (possibly) guilty of turning on his own people. Sudan in this case. President Omar al-Bashir of Sudan might just be charged with war crimes committed in Darfur. Makes sense doesn’t it? We know what has been going on over there. Murder, rape and mayhem. And that was on a good day. So the world decided to take a stand. And charge the guy. Of course the guy will say “I am not guilty”. That’s what the court is there for, right? In this case the International Criminal Court. But we won’t see this guy being taken to court - all thanks to President Bush. WTF? You heard me right. Blame President Bush for the ICC not having the teeth to take this guy on. Why? Because the guy is using the same argument President Bush used against the ICC. They both claim that the ICC have no jurisdictionover anything. They don’t recognize the ICC. This was the only court that could tackle Serbian war criminals. But President Bush wants special treatment for US citizens. He argues that everyone should be equal in the eyes of the law - but some are more equal than others. He doesn’t want Americans to be held accountable to this court even if they have committeda crime against humanity or genocide for that matter. Yes, everyone else should be covered by the ICC. Just not Americans. Do you truly believe Americans should have a higher right in this world? Should Americans be above the law? I don’t think we will ever see the day an American will be charged at the ICC. It’s aimed at warmongers and despots. but we have to make sure everyone is covered by the same law. Shouldn’t we? Your argument is like me saying that me and my family should be immune from being charged for theft as we will never do anything like that. Is that okay with you? I promise not to steal… Come on Bush - you are either for us or against us… The Darfur blood is on your hands. What options did you leave us with? Invading as a first option? I guess you don’t like it when people first try to take the legal route? It’s easier to go in with guns blazing isn’t it? You set the precedent. Invade Sudan - even the rest of the world think he is evil and worse than Sadam used to be. Be proud - you and the President of Sudan have something in common… I hope you are proud of your legacy.

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That’s it folks. Have a splendid weekend! Hope that sounded English enough. I am especially sour with them at the moment because they are beating us in cricket. Unheard of, I know…

No. I don’t mean the dude with the long hair claiming to be Jesus. You know, the guy on the corner with the placards telling us tomorrow is the day when it all ends. The closest he will ever come to be Jesus is when someone walks past and whispers the word followed by a shake of the head. No, I am talking about this American Presidential election. Who would Jesus vote for?

Also note that I am not talking about God, but specifically Jesus. Very Christian of me isn’t it? But there is a reason. The majority of Americans see themselves as Christian so it makes more sense looking at the election from a Jesus perspective. I won’t go into the 3-in-1 detail. Let’s just assume for a minute we can talk about Jesus from the New Testament. And Protestant to push it a bit further. So we’ll leave it at the Jesus vote.

But we have a few technical difficulties trying to figure out who He would vote for. It’s not as if He has a very visible way of delivering the message. No radio show. No television channel where He talks directly to the nation. No website or blog. Not even a Facebook Group Page. Not a single phone number we can call or a mobile we can text. Nope, we have prayer. But even then… He doesn’t talk directly to us now does He? He doesn’t answer in a big booming voice like in the movies. Nope. The only voices we hear when praying is from the television or, at worse, the voices in our heads.

So we are stuck with a few guys (why always men?) who claim to have a direct line to Him. Yeah… Right… You would think that He would be a bit more direct in His approach instead of selecting a few guys to connect to. Why select them and not me? What the heck did I do wrong? (Okay, don’t answer that.) Isn’t it easier to just talk to all of us instead of selecting a few suspicious guys with weird hairdos? Problem is they all claim that they have the sole line to Him. You know - they are close to Him. Close friends. Almost buddies. If He was here they will play golf together. At least watch the ballgame together, right? But not the others. Problem is there is no way we can really trust these guys now can we?

Me? I generally have a bit of a problem with people delivering a message when they ask for money and/or drive big fancy cars and live in big fancy houses. Don’t like a wise ass who claims to have all the answers. It smells. And especially when they get caught with the hand in the cookie jar or other body parts hanging out with a prostitute. Don’t trust them. Never have and never will. Sorry Hagee, Robertson and gang. You don’t have a line directly to Him. Not even AT&T reaches that far. And you stretch it a bit far with your calls in any case.

But we have another bit of an issue raising its ugly head. Another thing that stops us from knowing where He would put His electronic vote or hanging tag. (Would have been nice to say where He makes His cross, but not with technology today.). Even if it came down to Him He could not have the swing vote. Because he would not be able to vote. You see, Jesus isn’t American. The last time I checked he wasn’t born around here. And I doubt whether He will be able to get citizenship based on current immigration laws. (Open debate whether He would want citizenship in any case. He is a global citizen.) Hey, He’ll have problems just getting into the country. Laws are strict and I doubt whether immigration officials will look to kindly on His application. “Son of God? Yeah, right.”

He wasn’t American. So I guess He wasn’t a Republican or a Democrat either…

But let’s stretch it a bit more and say He could vote or at the very least influence your vote. Who would He vote for? Or rather, who would He want you to vote for?

His answer would most likely be a classic. “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.” Think about it. Why would He care who you vote for? He doesn’t really care that much about who rules you. He cares more about how you rule yourself. Doesn’t He? He made few political statements in the Bible - except for telling us to basically pay our taxes. Yeah, He picked the one thing we hate the most about government - taxes. The rest of the stuff? He was more into you I guess. Sad, but true. He put the bar pretty low.

It makes life a bit more complicated doesn’t it? Telling you to look at yourself and what you think and do. Not to worry too much about what other people are doing. Not what we really wanted to hear. We like moaning and bitching about other people more than looking in the mirror. Come on, help us out here a bit. Who would You vote for? Just this time? Please?

Dead quiet on the other side. Still nothing.

Because, like I said, He doesn’t really care that much about who you vote for. He is more into the personal stuff. What’s in your head. Sad. All of a sudden you have to worry more about who you are than who the other guy might be. But at least you can now vote for whoever you want. Right?

Most likely - how would I know? Trust me, I do not have a direct line. He doesn’t even tell you much about voting. A few basic rules for life and that’s all. You know. Those pesky Ten Commandments. No amendments. No fine print. No “buts” or “ifs”. Just the Big Ten. Don’t have other gods - television and money included. (Remember those taxes…) No idols. Yep, that includes the Pop Idol version I guess. Don’t use His name too often. Or at least out of context. Take it easy on a Sunday. Hope you don’t have to vote on a Sunday. And check the shopping please. The father and mother one is pretty easy. At least at Thanksgiving when everyone gets together… Don’t murder. Even worse when you are Catholic - they use the word kill. So try not to fight too much. Someone might get hurt. Don’t sleep around. Or look too closely at girl next door or the house. Don’t steal. Note - no small print that said you could keep the change when the teller makes a mistake… And don’t spread lies about other people. Short for “stop lying and talking bull about other people - be informed or shut the hell up.”

That should be straight forward. Not all is relevant to an election though now is it? Maybe the stuff like the murdering or killing. Or talking crap. Sorry, I mean lying. But even then - who would Jesus vote for?

No one. He doesn’t care about governments. Or countries for that matter. It’s just you baby.

The election matters. But it doesn’t matter. He won’t ask you who you voted for once you get up there. If you get up there… If there is a there…

Don’t drink the Kool-Aid. Especially not when they say they got it from Him. He doesn’t vote.

Keeping religion and politics apart. Jesus did. Maybe the Founding Fathers were way wiser (and more religious) than we thought…

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Note: First time I am getting a bit close to religion here. Took a while to decide whether to publish it or not. Let’s see the if I am called a religious nut or a nut by the religious! Remember, the world is not black or white… It’s a mirror.

Well, 4th of July just passed. And the celebrations could be seen all around us. Flags flying, parades everywhere and fireworks to scare the cats - and kids. And it made me wonder - what does it mean to be a patriot?

We were sitting outside having a barbeque. American style. Burgers and all. Pretty American on 4th of July. Just us South Africans and an Aussie friend. Anyway… Our backyard neighbors were having their own party. Big family gathering. Even bigger griller. And meat to feed an army. At least a few divisions. And it went on and on. The crowd kept on growing and the noise kept on rising. We didn’t have a problem with it. They were having fun. Good clean fun. (And we loved the fireworks later in the evening - all courtesy of our partying neighbors.) And then we noticed the balloons.

Big balloons. All in the American colors. Red, white and blue. Stars and stripes everywhere. Almost every chair had a few of them tied to the back. Flying in the wind. This new type of flag. My wife and myself looked at each other and laughed. A very typical thing for us - we know each other way too well already! We said it at almost the same time, “I bet you those balloons were made in China!”

She won the right to blog on the “Made in China” joke. I really can’t say no to her. But it made me think of China. Again. And on the meaning of being proud of your country. Being a patriot.

And no. It wasn’t the “Free Tibet” flags that was made in China that made me think of China. It was my recent chats with a few Chinese in China that made me realize they are very proud of their country. Well, most of them anyway. Wherever I went they told me so. How they love their country and how proud they are of how China is developing. And, of course, the Beijing Olympics. For them the Olympics was about the Chinese people and not the Chinese government. A chance for us to meet China and the Chinese people. For them it was about them and their country. And not their government. I know, the Chinese government really secured the Olympics - not the people. But it still made sense. I know how it felt.

I have always loved my country. And my people. But I wasn’t always that proud of my government. The Apartheid government was not a regime to be proud of. Trust me. They weren’t. But I always loved my country. The mountains, the rivers, everything. And I really loved my people. It was an easy call. I loved my country. I loved my people. And I still saw myself as a patriot. I would defend my country and my people. But not my government. They were corrupt. In every sense of the word. If they asked me to go to war I would say no. If they asked me to vote in their rigged elections I wouldn’t. I would not listen to them and I would not support them in anything. But I would defend my country and my people. In my way. By protesting against the Apartheid regime. By speaking out when ever I got the chance. I would defy them. And challenge them. Because I was a patriot.

Over here in America people are asking the patriotism question. Again. And I am not just talking about Obama. Whether him wearing a flag or not makes him more or less patriotic. Like everyone wears that each day. Go do a Google search on the Mac and see how many times he wears one. Being a vet does not give you a free pass. Or at least I don’t think so. But this isn’t about Obama. Maybe only in an indirect way. The questions about him being American and being a patriot triggered some initial thoughts. But it isn’t about him. No, it’s about people who are claiming to be more patriotic than the next.

Supporting the war. That makes you a patriot. Being against gay marriages. That makes you a patriot. Not criticising President Bush. That makes you a patriot. Saying it is okay to hold people without trail and (maybe) torturing them. That makes you a patriot. Being in favour of subsidies for big oil but against universal health care. That makes you a patriot. Being Republican. Being conservative and against liberals. Listening to Rush and Bill. Watching Fox. Pro-flag. Anti-protests. And so on. And so on. It all makes you a patriot.

Or does it?

Were you a patriot if you supported the internment of Japanese Americans during WWII? Or were you a patriot when you tried to speak out against it? Were you a patriot when you supported segregation? Or were you a patriot when you acted against it? Were you a patriot when you lynched blacks and burned crosses and churches all over? Or were you a patriot when you marched against it? Were you a patriot when you supported a war to get rid of weapons of mass destruction? Or were you a patriot when you protested against a war with little evidence to support the claims of the President? Are you a patriot when you support a war no matter what the reasons? Or are you a patriot when you believe you can support the soldiers and still not agree with the war? Are you a patriot when you say other Americans are not American enough because they do not agree with everything you do or say? Or are you a patriot when you say that being an American means celebrating and loving diversity of all kinds - religion, color, languages, political thoughts, food and even stupid bloody movies?

You decide. I am not here to tell you what patriotism means in America. I can only tell you what it means for me as a South African. It means loving my country. Believing in my people. Caring for those around me. Looking after our land and the animals who live there. And speaking out when my government is unjust. Or just plain wrong. They are not my country. They are not my people. They do not stand for what my country stand for. Or at least not what the majority of us want our country to stand for. They are our government. They come and go. The people, the land and the spirit that make us never die. The meaning of being South African never come and go. It is more than the sum of us. It is that intangible meaning of us.

I am a patriotic South African when I disagree with my government when they are wrong. I am a patriot when I speak out against stupid decisions made by my government. I was a patriot when I protested against the government during Apartheid. I am a patriot when I speak out and protest against my government when I believe they are not being true to what we want our country to stand for - freedom, tolerance, equality and celebrating our diversity. And all the other good stuff.

And don’t confuse the patriotism bit with loving it or being proud of it. I love my children. But I am not proud of them when they do something wrong. I still love them. I still care for them. Deeply and without question. No less than before. But I also know I have to remind them of the rules. Our rules. Rules of respect, love and hard work. It does not make me less of a dad just because they need to know when I am disappointed with them. I tell them. But I also tell them I love them no less. I love them. I care for them. But I can’t always be proud of them. But I can be even more proud of them when they make right what they did wrong. That makes me love them even more. When they hold up their hands and say, “Yeah, I was wrong. Sorry dad.”

But driving a car made in Japan? Wearing clothes made in India? Eating food grown in Mexico? Drinking coffee grown in Ethiopia? Buying gas imported from Saudi Arabia? Reading books written by an Englishman? Watching a French movie? Having balloons made in China?

I don’t know. I like it when I see something made in South Africa. But I don’t buy it just because it is made in South Africa. I buy it (or not) because of many reasons - price, quality, taste, smell, functionality etc. Whatever. I buy it when I can. But I won’t buy a SUV just because it was made in South Africa. I’ll buy the less thirsty car made wherever.

A patriot. What is it? You decide. Because you make it. You build your country with every decision you make. The easy decisions and the difficult ones. They all count. There is no end. You build it every day. America is different from what it was a 100 years ago. Every single day you are still working on it. Keeping the good bits alive. And turning it into something new and making it relevant for society today. No end game. It’s not a game. It a journey. With no end destination. And every step counts. Every person count.

Every American count. Every American equals one brick. And you decide how strong you want this structure called America to be. You place your brick. You make it strong or you make it weak. It isn’t easy. And it has never been easy to build this great nation. It wasn’t easy to fight the British for independence. It wasn’t easy to free the slaves. It wasn’t easy to give women voting rights. It wasn’t easy to fight in WWII. It wasn’t easy to end segregation. It wasn’t easy to pull out of Vietnam. But it was the right thing to do.

Are you a patriot? Just wait before you answer. First ask yourself what does it mean to be a patriot? Define it. Look around and ask if this is what your fellow countrymen mean by it? Do you agree with it? What is your America? Happy you got all the info you need? Good. Now answer it. Are you a patriot?

Just don’t forget to look in the mirror when you answer.

I am back. And what a ride it was. So much to say. I don’t even know where to start. 2 days in Shanghai and 4 days in Beijing. And so different from what I expected. I should have known better. Much better. The world isn’t black and white. And neither is China. But let’s start with the heading of this blog…

Please Mr China. Please unblock my blog. Yep. My blog isn’t for public consumption in China. For some or other reason you just can’t open it over there. Blocked. I hope it was just my computer. And the computer of the few people who tried to read my blog. But it seems as if the Chinese government decided that it is better that my blog be blocked in China. Come on. It isn’t that much of a blog. Pretty middle of the road if you ask me. Just a few questions and observations on life, love and the universe. No need to block it.

Okay, so I wrote a piece or two on China. And maybe they were slightly critical. Okay, maybe more than just slightly critical. Comparing China to Zimbabwe might have been over the top. At least from an Olympic perspective. And maybe I shouldn’t be so critical of tyrants and other non-democrats when I created an Oh-Limp-Pic Games to celebrate tyrants everywhere. Maybe it just wasn’t fair. But hey, life isn’t fair. Live with it.

So please unblock my blog.

Also. I have some good news to tell about China. My week there has been awesome. What an eye opener. So many stories to tell. So many things observed. Too many surprises I never expected. But let’s start with why I was there in the first place.

It was all about disasters. And specifically because of the earthquake that hit the Sichuan province in China on May 12 of this year. So far almost 70,000 lives have been taken by the disaster. And they expect it to rise to at least 80,000 by the time they close this chapter. I was asked by the Chinese Ministry of Civil Affairs and other partners (let’s not name any names) to speak at two conferences and chair two sessions on how to prepare for disasters and how to develop effective public-private partnerships. One was held in Shanghai and one was held in Beijing. Yes, the Angry African was invited to go there. But under my real name.

I won’t bore you with the details of the conferences and meetings. It was amazing. But I am sure you don’t come here to read about that. Let’s just say that they are way better prepared for disasters than I expected. And way better organized than what I have seen elsewhere in the world. I think I learned more from them than they from me.

Let’s also say that I really did not want to go. I tried everything to get out of it. Delayed my travel plans. Moaned and groaned. Bitched and threw my toys. I just don’t like flying anymore. I am not scared of flying. It’s just boring. I would rather spend time with my wife and kids. They are the most important things in my life and I would rather be with them 24/7. But, alas, I got the visa the day before I had to fly off so I ran out of excuses. And there I went. Flying off to China.

It didn’t start off that well though. I had to fly American Airlines. You know, I have flown some weird and wonderful airlines in my life. It comes with having flown maybe 1,000+ times in my life. I mean really, I have flown Air Cameroon and made it to my destination. Eventually. So American Airlines should be a breeze, right? Nah. They are by far the worse airline I have ever flown. Crappy planes. Crappy food. And just… crappy. I mean really. Why the hell do they block off the aisle and window seats right until they are about to take off? It meant that I had to take a middle seat because I had to fly via Chicago and couldn’t change my seat at either Logan (Boston) or even online. Jeez. So backwards. Even Air California (Mexico) had a better system in place.

And, of course, I had to be squashed seated next to a guy with the worse breath I have ever (EVER) had the pleasure to smell. Not that I wanted to smell it, but he fell asleep with his head almost on my shoulder, mouth gaping wide open and snoring away. And breathing on me. I can’t even explain how bad it was. Let’s just say that I have seen grown men cry when facing this. It is even banned in Guantanamo Bay because they believe that this kind of torture would be crossing that invisible (but smelly) line. I had to go to the toilets a few times just to get fresh air. It was not a pretty sight or smell.

And the food was crap. Of course. Imagine Chinese food made by a pissed of dude in downtown Philly. Well, I would love to have his version rather than what they gave me on the plane. Cold noodles. And warm water. And a soggy bun with plastic ham and a year-old lettuce. Let’s just say that they did not impress me with their culinary skills. I am sure the guy with the stinky breath flies American Airlines all the time or might be their official food taster.

And the “in-flight entertainment”. Mm. What entertainment. Movies and programmes to fit in with their food service I guess. College Road Trip was never funny. And neither is Definitely, Maybe. It’s not even that romantic. And Spiderwick Chroniclesis really not my cup of tea. And the music and television offered nothing better. Sad old programs to fit in with the sad old plane. My general feeling about their in-flight entertainment? Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn… I had my iPod and a few books. The books also helped block off Mr Smelly Breath.

So I wasn’t a happy camper. I didn’t want to go to China. And I didn’t want to sit in the crappy plane. But here I was. Stuck on the plane and hurtling towards Shanghai. Man. I was not into this at all.

But what a surprise when I landed. China made my crappy flight worthwhile. And that is a whole new story.

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Tomorrow: To China (with love) II: Man, the Chinese are funny

You’ll have to suffer through a few random and incomplete thoughts while I am in China. Wanna know more on why and what these posts are all about? See here.

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Black or White?

I feel a bit like Obama at the moment. It seems as if the race card is being played. Or rather that people are all of a sudden interested in my race. Black or white? For the record? People keep on asking. It really shouldn’t be this difficult. Just a little bit of research will clarify it all up nicely. Really. Let me give some help here. But before we go there.

I am interested in why people want to know if I am black or white. Does it matter? Does it tell you all you need to know about me? Will the reaction be “Ah, I thought so”. Thought so what? How would my race make it any easier to understand what I say? The accent and language will still be a bit of a problem. Will it make it easier to dig through what I write and find the white or black warning lights? Will it help in making me fit into the box? The boxes we build.

Most know that I don’t think the world is black or white - no pun intended - but shades of grey. Nothing is definite. Nothing is final. Nothing is the final answer. Nothing is as it seems. There is always another angle. A third angle. But still. It should be easy to tick the box next to my name. But everyone seems to struggle a bit with that one.

It should be easy. Just a little bit of research is required. And you don’t even have to leave this site. Start at the start. My first blog - I wasn’t born to be an activist. It tells you all about where I come from. At the least the first bit. That I wasn’t born to be like this. No. I wasn’t socialized to be like this. I wasn’t brought up to be like this. I was brought up to think about race. As a racist. It’s easy to follow the trail from there onwards. Just read from the back - everything under “An Accidental Activist” will give you an idea of the journey so far.

I don’t mind the name calling. Really, I don’t. Another one you can read is about the name calling. Read Umlungu - becoming a white bastard. That was my first bit of name calling. But I actually liked that one. I’ve been called worse. Much worse. But the name calling isn’t really much of an issue. It’s the race card that is an issue.

It’s happened a few times. Being c