Were do we start with the news this week? Anywhere really.

1. The lights are on but no one is home

I thought we had enough problems to worry about in the US right now. You know, with the economy slowly tanking, markets crashing, soldiers dying and houses (fore)closing. But no. Another Republican had to show her brilliance in creating an issue out of a none issue. But this time it involves rights. Real rights. Important rights. Human rights. Oh, sorry, I meant light bulb rights. Yes, Minnesota Representative Michelle Bachman, who have always believed in no taxes or abortion rights, and guns and churches for everyone, has decided she is pro-choice after all. Pro-choice for light bulbs. She is fighting for the rights of all incandescent bulbs across the world. For all those little bubble-heads hanging from the roof. And those little pinko bulbs with the lamps stuck up their… um… socket. She is the César Chávez of light bulbs everywhere (Happy birthday by the way to the father of the farm workers and the environment). Her face has launched a thousand table lamps everywhere. She is switched on when it comes to light bulbs. “Ping”. She has introduced the “Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act” to stop the phase-out of incandescent bulbs. Or as she calls it, “voodoo, nonsense, hokum, a hoax”. And she is hot – hotter than global warming I tell you. If you can get past her perfect shining teeth. Don’t switch any CFL light bulbs on with her in the room. I have seen grown men cry and holding their eyes. The reflection can be seen from the Hubble. Of course it isn’t just because of her shining teeth – but also because each of her fillings have about 200 times the mercury in it than the average CFL bulb. And you know how that makes you glow in the dark. With her around you don’t even need the lights on. She sure as hell didn’t.

2. The (laughing) gas prices

I find it fascinating how people in America complain about gas prices. And I don’t mean Treehugger complaining about the high environmental price of methane gas emissions by cows either. I mean that thing we outside the US call petrol. Maybe you drive on something else and just make us think that gas is petrol. But it can’t be the same thing – gas and petrol? No way. Why are you guys in America paying so little for you gas and we are paying so much for our petrol? You pay less tax than anyone I know! Poor Turks – they pay through their necks. Poor Brits – they are right up their as well. No wait. I take that back. I don’t feel sorry for the Brits. Because I had to suffer thanks to all the gas that comes with all that baked beans they eat for breakfast, lunch and “tea”. They should pay a high tax just to make me forget the pain of living with that smell. America is way down their in last place. Less than the who’s-who of petrol (gas) taxes. Americans pay less tax because the politicians are just full of hot air?

3. I am a Treehugger! Now!                                                                 Solar Bikini

I don’t care what you have to say. But I am joining Greenpeace tomorrow. Don’t you dare stop me. Just have a look at this photo man! If this is the way that we are going to address global warming then I say “bring it on!” It looks a bit like Halle Berry in a Jane Bond outfit, but I am sure that once Victoria gets hold of this we might be talking a whole new ballgame here. Just two minor flaws in the idea though. Nothing we can’t sort out – Oh God I hope they sort it out. Anyway, I digress. The two problems… Firstly, don’t wear it as underwear. It defeats the whole idea. You do need the sun to charge those batteries. Secondly, and maybe more lethal. Please don’t go swimming with all that currency running through the system. You might be in for a nasty shock. Oh, there is a third one. You might attract a lot of the wrong things and get things clinging to you that you don’t want. You know, with all that static you are going to generate.

4. Read my lips… wait, don’t… no really, do… stop it, my head hurts

You know. I am against any form of discrimination. But maybe there is a good reason why people should retire at 65 and just enjoy their last days in peace. See a bit of the world. You know – places that you can remember. Like Iran and Iraq. And who is on whose side. Because it is obviously difficult for Mac to remember anything he said yesterday. Or heard or saw this morning. Ever seen the movie Momento? I think that character was based on Mac. Not only did he “misspoke” about Iran and Iraq and Sonny and Cher… and then denied it… and then did it again… and took it back… and then said he was right… and then just … oh shut up, my head hurts. He now said he won’t raise taxes… no he will… wait, he won’t. Do they have medicine for this? Because imagine him waking up at 3 am to answer the phone! “Who’s that? General? General who? Do I want to take action? Hell, yeah! Bring me a bucket of the crispy ones thanks“.

5. Hillary will answer the phone at 3 am

Oh man, my wife is going to beat me up this week. She is a Hillary supporter and even I must say that this might be over the top. But anyway… here we go…

Everyone is asking who should answer that 3 am call. That is for another debate. I want to know something else about the 3 am call. If the phone had to ring this morning – who do you think will win? Mac because he is used to sleeping standing up? Obama because he is so slim and athletic? Forget it. Obama will still be trying to get out of bed and Mac would be stumbling about running into everything while trying to find his teeth. While those two “losers” are trying their best, Hillary will be sitting down with a smile on her face and a cheery, “Hello, this is Hillary. How may I help you?” How do I know this? No, it’s not because she has to be up to keep an eye on Bill. It is because, apparently, she is up an hour and a half before any of the men standing for the election to get her dress ready, do her hair, paint her face – you know do the things women do before they go out. Now you can say it is sexist. And maybe it is. But the fact is that Obama and Mac can look crap and get away with it, but Hillary can’t. On the other hand. If Obama or Mac spend as much time on their hair as she does then they will be in trouble. Okay, no danger of that with the Mac right? Just a good old comb-over and he is done. Or as we would say in Africa – just a cow-lick and he is done.

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