A bit late. But, as my mother always said, rather late than never. And with the current crop of news, it really doesn’t matter. Let’s stroll through some of the news making headlines on God’s urinal – The (not so) Great Britain.

1. Why smokers will never listen

Smoking will kill you, you know. We know the “facts”. Heart disease, cancer, blood pressure, hearing loss. WTF? Hearing loss? Yes, of all the things that they can think of, hearing loss is now also linked to smoking. Hum, yes. Really? Apparently the same thing goes for obesity. I don’t think there is actually any scientific proof behind this all. Okay, maybe that fat roll hanging over my ear makes it difficult for me to hear, but smoking? I think the doctors and scientists got it all wrong this time. Smokers just act as if they can’t hear. Maybe they are just sick and tired of everyone telling them of all the horrid ways that they will die. Eventually the moaning and bitching becomes a little bit like pictures of Pamela Anderson. Interesting the first few times, but the same old same old after the tenth time of watching and listening. Smokers hear just fine. They just have selective hearing. Or maybe they hear, but they don’t listen.

2. Working the system

From the island country that gave us packaged holiday tours for teenage offenders comes their latest great idea for social cohesion. Getting prisoners a job. No, I don’t mean letting the jailbirds work in jail for a few pennies stitching together pillows or building roads. No. Not for the British. They want their jailbirds to have proper jobs. You know. It is difficult for a guy to get a decent job if he spend the last 25 years in jail for a double murder and theft on the side. Gotta feel sorry for him. Right sah? The poor fella never had a decent chance to make something out of life. So now they want to give them proper jobs so they can get some work experience. They want to give prisoners a job outside jail to gain some work and life experiences. WTF? Let me say that again… WTF? This is pathetic isn’t it? You give a guy free eduction, almost free medical care, so much support through your welfare system that it almost doesn’t pay to go and work, and now you want to give the guy a job because he said that he never had a proper chance to get some work experience? Huh, yes he did. He just decided that it was easier to break the law. You are such a bunch of suckers. The next thing they’ll tell you would be that Saddam needed to be taken out as he was capable of launching an attack with his WMD in 45 minutes. Oops. They already did. Sorry. Go get a job. A real job. Maybe you’ll learn how to deal with real problems and not get suckered into thinking that every social problem needs a civil solution.

3. The demon children

Those poor, poor kids in the United Kingdom. They have it sooo tough. You know, everyone is just so hard on the little angels. We really shouldn’t be so hard on them. We should stop demonising them. Hum, people! They are yobs! I have lived on three continents and can honestly say that the British kids are the most spoilt, lazy and pampered lot that I have ever seen. They refuse to do anything. Okay, anything constructive. They hang out in the streets and all they want to do is drink and smoke. Okay, huge generalization, but you know what I mean. In general. Now they are on about how the little angels are demonised and that they have it sooooo tough. And they moan and bitch that too many of the sweethearts face criminal charges. Hum, sorry to say, but don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time… Apparently, the UK are to hard on their kids. The same report says that British kids “drank more alcohol, (and) had deteriorating mental health”. You get the picture? These kids aren’t allowed to compete at school because there shouldn’t be any winners or losers. That they don’t fail, they are having “deferred success”. You have a problem with your kids because you pamper them instead of loving them. You think that throwing money at them is the same thing as hugging them. You think that… Aargh. Let me just stop there. I just can’t stand people not taking responsibility for themselves or their kids. Love them and teach them. Don’t let the government do it for you. They can’t even get a train to run on time – how do you think they will run your kid?

4. Here kitty

The headlines on the page read, “Two in court over pizzeria murder“, “Attacker stamps on man’s head“, “Man’s death in explosion probed“, etc. Just one bit of bad news after the other. Hey, I didn’t even read these articles so don’t bother – sure that it is some Scot being Scottish. But all you have to do is throw a cat story in there and they go all soft. Yes, it was all about murder and death and political warfare in the news. And then one popped up about a woman who rescued a six-hour old kitten with a vacuum cleaner. A sock was pulled over the pipe and she sucked the poor kitten out the drain it was stuck in. Great story. Right… But was it really newsworthy? Oh yes it was. Especially in Scotland. Imagine this… You live in a place where it always rains, you depend on the English paying you to stay afloat, you lose almost each and every sporting event you compete in (even after you hired a German to try and fix it), your best beers are warm and from Ireland, even your whiskey was actually invented by the Irish, you think deep-fried pizza is food to be proud of, and your economy is tanking so badly that you don’t wear anything under your kilt because you can’t afford it. Imagine you live in that little place called hell. Wouldn’t you put the woman who saved a kitten with a vacuum machine on the front page? Especially if she owns the only working vacuum machine in the country? I mean really. The Scots did lose the war against the English. I bet you it was a Dyson – an English invention.

5. Parting shot

I wanted to end the weekly weakly report on a political note. Tell you about the great leaders following in the footsteps if Churchill, Thatcher and Blair. Okay, one out of two isn’t bad, but I can’t think of another “great” British leader in the last 100 years apart from Thatchers. Hah! I meant Blair… Anyway. But apart from stories about terror laws and pulling the troops out of Iraq and Afghanistan in the next 1-100 years (pick a number), I just couldn’t find anything really new. Apart from David “Toff” Cameron and his bloody hair. Apparently he had a middle parting the other day and it made headline news all over the place. Such a rebel. Instead of his normal parting to the side he stood up for all those little middle-of-the-road partings across middle England and had one himself. Or maybe he just put the helmet on and forgot to brush his hair afterwards. But newsworthy? I guess I would also go for the hair option if I had to pick between watching Cameron’s hair or listening to him speak. Could be worse I guess. Could be the choice between watching Brown’s eye and listening to his policies.

Cheers. See ya later.

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