You guys! Dude and dudettes! How the bloody hell are you all? Thanks for the visit. It’s a pleasure having you over. What you doing here? Reading. Reading what? Oh, that one. I guess you didn’t find what you were looking for then… Not when I look at some of the terms and phrases you used when you went searching for some stuff on the internet…
Yep. Some people landed at our little blog by accident. Went searching for wisdom or some other… hum… entertainment. And landed up here. Truly sorry about that. But thanks for the traffic.
Yes. I tracked the search terms people used that ended up with them landing up over here. Some are pretty obvious – “Angry African” got them here. And so did “porn”. But some of them just didn’t make sense. So I developed a Top 20… (Sorry, some of these might only be understood by South Africans. really sorry. But I can’t help that some of the searches is really so stupid!)
20. “i slepted with my sister” – Thank god you didn’t sleep with your sister though. That would be so wrong. Tell me, can you buy a “slepted” on eBay? And is she preaty?
19. “african free porn” – We might be cheap, but not that cheap. Really. Wait! Stop! Do you mean free porn for Africans? Count me in.
18. “there will be no new us elections” – Thank god. These guys are starting to drive me bonkers. Especially Mr Comb Over McLame. No! Wait. You mean we are stuck with Bush? Argh…
17. “eco-friendly blow-up doll” – What? I really thought I was joking when I wrote that blog. Can I interest you in a green Blow Up Doll. I don’t even know what to say to you. Except maybe… Don’t screw with the environment. And you give a whole new meaning to treehugger…
16. “why can’t africans get water?” – We “get” it. It’s that liquid stuff you drink right? Comes in rivers? And uppity people have like metal gadgets you turn and it runs out of a pipe. Right? What I can’t get is how stupid that search was. And I don’t get why more people in Africa don’t have access to clean water. And, by the way, that is Mr Africa. With a capital A.
15. “african idiots” – Sorry, I see you got to the right site. Welcome.
14. “africans angry china” – Are you Chinese? We don’t angry China. We piss them off. And sometimes anger them. By the way, Angry African is now unblocked and off the banned list in China! At bloody last. Stupid bloody… Oops. I guess I am banned again.
13. “tigers in Africa” – No! There are no tigers in Africa. How many times must I tell you this? Here, go read this… There are no tigers in Africa – Advertising 101.
12. “what time is in cameroon air open until” – You think they are open at any time? Ever heard of the saying “the lights are on but nobody is home”. That’s the Air Cameroon slogan. Maybe this will help… An African Adventure – thanks to Air Cameroon.
11. “i eat whatever the hell i want who cares” – I don’t.
10. “thumbsuck word origin” – You want me to thumbsuck an answer? Okay. In the jungle in 1873 when Tom asked his mom if they were there yet. His mother used a sentence that included the word thumb and suck. Like in “take you thumb and put it where the sun don’t shine because you suck”. Or so I heard. I might just be thumbsucking that answer though?
9. “if they want web site winking at you” – I don’t even know what to say to you dude. Why would your parents want a website to wink at you? Maybe you should get out more often. Second Life isn’t real you know. Get out a bit more. And meet some girls. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge. Say no more.
8. “how to speak coloured accent” – Nay mun, soekie kakkie. Ek sa vi djou a snotklap gee ne. Djou ma se…
7. “italy governments since wii” – About 47 Italian governments since the Wii came out. No idea why you want to search that. I mean really, Italians change governments more often than I change my underwear. And I do it daily. Italy – Che macello.
6. “who is the caterers for nigerian airways” – No one. Or the mother of the pilot. You mean you survived eating the food on Nigerian Airlines?
5. “getting rid of idiots” – Have an election and vote for Obama. Anything else will just result in another idiot coming in. Maybe send Zuma on a free holiday? And pay him a couple of bucks to stay away. You can also look in the mirror and run away. But it is really difficult to outrun yourself.
4. “how to loosr accente you” – Start with the spelling and try to pronounce those new words first. You have a real problem if you even write in an accent.
3. “why does britain suck at sports” – Because they are not South African? No seriously, because they are Poms. It’s an island right? All you can fit on there is a bowling ally and a pub. So you don’t have much hope in hell, apart from your swimmers that can swim around the island a few times. One solution that a few of you have tapped into though. Get more South Africans in your team. Hey, you Poms just made one of our rejects your cricket captain. You still want to know why you suck?
2. “how do ilose my boep?” – My favorite! But I decided to drop it to number two because it is so South African. “Boep” is a paunch men get from drinking too much beer. And the “misspell” of I lose to ilose is excellent. They tend to drop an i into words in Xhosa – another South African link. Boet, tell me if you get the answer. Too many Castle’s over here as well. Maybe you should start there. You’ll shed the kilo’s and the wrong spelling.
1. “how would you keep an african zebra warm” – Just turn the grill up a bit, salt it well and turn it often. As easy as that. I mean… WTF? You want to keep a Zebra warm? A blanky and a warm glass of milk before bedtime? I am trying to figure out what happened that you needed this info. I mean really. Keeping a Zebra warm? Here is my question back. How do I get you a life?
Some odd searches out there. I just hope they find a life… Or at least a site that will give them what they are looking for. A life or a wife. I swing both ways. Either way, they kept me amused. Hah!
P.S. Sunday IS porno day. So far 8 out of every ten searches that hit Angry african included the word “porno”. The other two?” Tigers in Africa” and “Thumb sucking”. (Rolling my eyes…)