So we have another one today… Let’s see how Souf Efrikan she really is… I might just embellish it a little bit. Just a little…
I give to you Amber… Or as we like to call her – Antie Lisbet (Pronounced Un-tee Luz-bet)
Let me first tell you a bit about Lisbet before we go into an analysis of the photo…
Antie Lisbet is the “proper” one in our family. She was born on a farm in the Karoo – sheep farm country. She was an only child. The princess of the fastest sheep shearer west of the Vaal River. She was so high class she even completed school. And studied Huishoudkunde (Good Housekeeping) at university. She was, of course, the Head Girl at school and Miss Karoo at the Town Festival of 1985. (Karoo is a bit like parts of middle America – semi desert and lots of farmers.)
Of course she has been overseas. She has been to Robben Island twice. And went gambling at the casino in Lesotho. And she has lived in the big city of Pretoria since she left the farm behind. But comes back each year during Christmas to remind the local people who the real town celebrity is. Especially since Johan “Three Nipples” Botha died a few years ago.
She doesn’t laugh in public. It is not lady-like. Neither does she cough out loud. She speaks to you by looking slightly down with her eyes but she does not move her head. She speaks very proper English. Like the girl from My Fair Lady after training. She never tells jokes or laughs at jokes. She sits quietly on her chair and sips her tea while the men braai. Swiping flies away and frowning at how barbaric this all is. She doesn’t call herself Lisbet. She calls herself Elizabeth – the “liza” part pronounced like in Liza Minnelli. E-Liza-Beth. Clearly pronounced as three different names… And she will correct you quickly if you get it wrong. Yes, Antie Lisbet is very proper. She is the lady of the house. We have to listen to her because she is the proper one. But sometimes she has a glass of white wine or two and the farmer’s daughter comes out to play…
The first effect of a glass or two of white wine can be seen in the head going down first and the giggles. She starts giggling at nothing. Mostly at herself. She’ll go and stand at the fire with the men with her arms around her husband talking rugby and how “hawt” that David Beckham is. She doesn’t know he plays soccer and not rugby. It’s boys with balls right?
She’ll also tell a few jokes. And the more wine she drinks the dirtier and edgier they become. By now she is swinging her glass in the air and poking fun at people. She’ll even pick up the kids with the runny nose and wipe it off with her sleeve. And say, “Nah, don’t worry. It’s just a bit of snot”. Her husband will turn into the gentleman and go quiet. He knows that it is time to go home when she starts dancing on the wonky table singing 80’s songs like “Mustang Sally”.
Of course she will act as if nothing happened the next day. Even headaches are scared of her…
Now back to the photo – Is she Almost Souf Efrikan? Yes… Here is the evidence:
1. This is not a head shot. It was taken at the yearly big town fair where she won the Mrs Tart competition. It’s the big cook-off competition. But she didn’t want the tart to spoil the rest of the photo.
2. The earrings. I had to fade this photo because the earrings were just too shiny. They are pearls polished by the maid. And Souf Efrikan woman have to wear big or shiny earrings. It matches their teeth. Big and shiny.
3. It is also a very rare photo of actual shoulder being shown. She generally wears a shawl to ensure her modesty stays intact. “Proper” Souf Efrikan woman never shows cleavage or shoulders. It’s just not classy. Unless taken with some white wine.
4. Nose slightly up and a smile that can be executed with a flash. It’s a natural reaction for “proper” Souf Efrikan woman whenever they sense a camera within a 10 mile radius. Like a lion hunting a springbok or us beating the Poms in cricket. You bring out a camera and the smile and nose automatically take position. It can often be seen on the cover of Farmer’s Weekly or the dentist office.
5. That isn’t a smile. It is a grin. Because she is proper. She does not cause any “waves”. She is grinning because the Mayor has his hand on her backside. (It’s also the reason why the tart hit his face right after this photo was taken. But it did not prevent the local press making it the headline story the next day.)
6. Big hair. That is SO Souf Efrikan. It has multiple uses. You can stick you knitting needles in there while you talk or leave your money in there if you don’t want to carry a bag. Of course it is “corrected” by using both hands and softly patting it on the side.
Sorry Amber… This might be harsh. But the fact is you are Souf Efrikan. You are our Antie Lisbet. Classy, proper and strict. The one we listen to when she speaks. But also the one that can be wilder than any of us if given the right “incentive” – read “white wine”.
Welcome home Antie Lisbet. I mean E-Liza-Beth…
Next up – SanityFound. She gave multiple photo’s. All of them Souf Efrikan through and through. I’ll work on that one over the weekend…