I was thirty by the time I saw and felt snow for the first time. It was lovely. I never imagined it to be so white. And so quiet. Just beautiful.

We were visiting our great friends in Luxembourg. And Mr H drove us all the way up to the highest point to let us play in the snow. We found one little spot of snow and had a huge snow fight. Me and the missus. What a day it was. (Oh and N, his wife, was on her last days of pregnancy and he got into so much crap for being home late. But that is another story for another day.)

I remember the next time I saw snow – me and my lovely suffering wife sitting on a train coming from Brussels to Luxembourg on my birthday a year later and watching the snow from our window. We just stared at the beauty of it. Everywhere this beautiful white blanker covered the world. The train had to stop for a few minutes and we just sat there staring at the snow out on the farm lands of Belgium. Not a worry in the world. I love snow. Ever since I saw it the first time.

I never understood snow when I was little. All the Christmas cards had these pictures of this old dude with a long beard handing out presents. I always wondered why the hell was he in snow? It does snow in Christmas time. Not down South where I stayed. It’s beach weather baby! And why the heck is he white? Fat chance that the only dude in Africa handing out presents would be white. Never got it. Snow during Christmas. Imagine that.

Mr H from Luxembourg emailed us this really funny story a few days after they landed over there. The South African experience of snow the first season. We laughed at how funny it was. Now I am not so sure. I can feel the cold creeping into my bones. My African bones. These bones are made for weather above 15 degrees. Celsius. Around 60 degrees Fahrenheit. Anything below that and I move 1 mile per hour slower for every degree that it drops.

I still love snow. Just love it. But the cold weather. Man, that gets to me. Need a huge fire to walk with me.

Anyway, about that letter Mr H emailed us. I thought it would be very appropriate to share a version I found online. You know, before the snow starts falling again. I tweaked it a bit…

Snow, lovely bloody snow…

December 8: It started to snow. The first snow of the season and our first ever snow together. The wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven, clinging to the trees and covering the grounds. It looked like a picture painter in heaven. So romantic we cuddled up the whole evening.

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape, what a beautiful sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantel. Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had! Shoveled snow for the first time in my life and I loved it! I did both our driveway and the sidewalks, and even the neighbors place. This afternoon a snow plough came along and accidentally covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway with the snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I smiled and waved back, and got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 11: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 13: Snow, lovely snow! It snowed another 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snow plough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 14: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4X4. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 15: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell and had to pay $145 to a chiropractor. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.

December 16: Still way below freezing and frigging cold. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room. Tried to keep from freezing to death with the candles and a kerosene heater. Heater tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the flames out but suffered second degree burns on my hand and lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. Car slid on ice on way to emergency room and was totaled. Had another 8 inches of the white crap last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me. That goddamn snow plough came by and buried me again.

December 19: -15 degrees outside. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn’t been damaged by the bloody snow. Electricity’s back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More *&$^%# shoveling! Took all day. The damn snow plough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 21: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it’s so cold, it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he’s too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 22: Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s lying.

December 23: F&%^$ mother-*&@#% in white &^#%$ keeps on coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the *&#%$% in mail box. If I ever catch the son of a bitch that drives the snow plough, I’ll chew his chest off and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then comes down the street about 100 mph and buries the (*&$% driveway. Power still off and the toilet is frozen. Can’t piss or *%&%^# inside. Roof is starting to cave in.

December 24: 6 inches – Snow packed so hard by snow plough, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plough, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to *&%^$# death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the !@#$$%^%^^&& snow plough.

December 25: Merry Christmas my #%$&%! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight – Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snow plough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the *&%^$ head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s a &^#% idiot. If I have to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the *&%#$ hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my #@$&% nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28: Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 &^$%# more $#@#$ inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. 9 more ^%$&  inches of &#@$% snow and *&%#$ sleet and *(&%$ ice and goddamn knows what other kind of white ^%$# ^%$#@ fell last night. I wounded that &^%#$ snow plough dickhead with an ice axe, but the asshole got away. And now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only because of the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his %$@#& ass. Wife left me. I think I’m going snow-blind. I can’t move my toes. My dick is almost frozen solid. Haven’t seen the sun in weeks. Wind chill factor is -33 degrees. More snow predicted – 12 more inches. &^%$@ white %@#*.

December 31: I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Wonder why they tied me to this bed?

 

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