This was written a few weeks back as “The Heavy” was busy setting in. I never published it. But here you go…
There are so much I want to say to you. But I am just sitting here. Staring at the screen. I want to tell you so many things. But I don’t know where to start. I start writing. And then I stop. I don’t know how to write what I want to say.
I want to tell you I am going to plant a tree. Maybe two. That’s what I am going to do. I’ll dig the hole and plant the tree. It’s going to be fun. Whether it rains or not. It’s just a tree. I won’t have to think too much about it. Someone will tell me where to dig the hole and someone will give me the tree to plant. That’s it. No strings attached. No thinking. Just a tree. That’s what I am going to do.
I want to tell you that I want to turn my iPod up to full volume. Blast my ears and head with music to dance to. Let the noise of the music drown out the voices. Let the music take away the memories. An the thoughts. Just for a moment.
I want to tell you I just want to stand around the fire and stare. Stare as the fire cracks away. Maybe talk a little to myself. Or just be quiet. Maybe poke the fire a bit with a stick. And wait for the right moment to throw some more wood on the fire. And watch it burn. A campfire.
I want to tell you I just want to sit and sip my coffee. Slow down and just sit down and sip my coffee. Maybe read the paper while I do it. Or maybe just a funny book. I just want to sit and sip my coffee. Just a little bit. Sip by sip.
I want to tell you I just want to stand next to the highway at rush hour and listen to the traffic. I want to close my eyes and listen to the cars rushing by. Let the noise of the cars drown out the voices and faces for a while. Just stand there and not think of the people in the cars or the homes they are going to.
I want to tell you that I just want to sit in the park and feed the bird. Have some bread in my hands and flick it for them to eat. See how they fly up and down. Coming back for some more bread. That’s all I want to see. The birds feeding and doing what bird do. Fly and eat without any care.
I want to tell you that I just want to drink a beer with my friends for a little while. Just stand around a fire or lean against a counter. Not say anything. Just sit or stand and do nothing with my friends. Maybe take a sip and look at them without them knowing. I know that they are there. Just share without knowing.
I want to tell you that I just want to lay down on the couch for a little bit. Not sleep but close my eyes and listen to my family around me. My girls running around or just making a noise. My wife talking to her friend on the phone or cooking something beautiful. But just lay on the couch and listen without them knowing. I am there, but just taking them in for a little bit. Just from the couch.
I want to tell you that I just want to stand on the farm for a little bit. Smell the dust as the sheep run past. Those stupid sheep. Watch them run in the dry lands of the Karoo. I want to just stand and watch. Do nothing but listen to them run and feel the dust on my skin. Just watch them doing nothing.
I want to tell you that I just want to walk in the markets somewhere. Anywhere without being noticed. Just listen to the people selling their stuff and look at the sea of colors of the stalls. Slowly walk among them. Not buying. Just seeing and listening.
I want to tell you that I just want to sit on the beach for a little while. Just sit on the damp sand and watch the waves come in. Maybe curl my toes into the sand. Maybe play with the sand a bit. Let it run through my fingers for a little bit. See how the wind takes it and where it takes it.
I want to tell you I just want to go walk in the mountains. One step at a time. Walk hard till I feel the sweat running down my face. The sun shining on my back and my legs hurting. Just a walk in the mountains. Maybe stop and shout to hear the echo.
I want to tell you I just want to smell the earth a little bit closer. Stand still and smell the soil of Africa after the rains. Or maybe just rub some leaves on my fingers and smell my green fingers. Nothing much. Just a little bit of smelling of what we get from the soil.
I want to tell you that I want to stand in the rain and just stand there for a bit. Just let the rain fall down on me. Maybe I will look up. And squint while looking up at the clouds and the rain coming down. Just stand there. Let the rain drown out the noise. And let it just rain over me. Wash over me.
I want to tell you that I want to sit on the train and just stare out the window. Not looking at anything. Just staring. Looking at the houses flash by. Not think of the people inside. Just let the world rush by for a moment.
There is so much I want to tell you. But I just don’t know how to say it. I’m just staring at the screen.