I love it over here. I really do. Wide open spaces. Warm and friendly people. Decent and tasty food. Almost everything you would want at a reasonable price. It’s still pretty good to live in the US. Even in these tough days of high oil and stupid wars. And almost everything being made outside the US. I drive a small(ish) car and preach peace. And buy Chinese made goodies. Life is good.
But Americans are also a funny bunch. A bit like the French. Just don’t tell them. Or the French for that matter. Yes. These Americans have their own style. Maybe style isn’t the right word. They have their own logic. The world looks a bit different through their lenses. They do things their way. The American way. They see things their way. They say things their way. And they have a different set of rules for themselves and for those who fall outside their borders. Not that they will acknowledge or know of those alleged countries outside the US. “I thought it was just a television show. It’s not real. Not like Star Wars.” Most of the time it is pretty funny. Sometimes not. Let’s try to stick to the funny stuff.
Take old man McCain for instance. He climbed into Russia for invading Georgia. It all went very well. McCain showing some backbone. And then he blew it with an Americanism. He said, “In the 21st century nations don’t invade other nations.” WTF? Remember 2003? Iraq? Are you just visiting there? Please don’t come over to my house for a visit please. Or at least check the guns, tanks and planes at the door please.
Now for the really funny stuff. And I mean it.
Have you been watching the Olympics? Been cool hey? But here’s the thing. You’ll have a slightly different view of the Olympics if you are from outside the US. Oh, I don’t mean that they only show US participants over here. That I get. I am in America. It’s cool. But the Olympic medal ranking… That’s another story. You know what system they use in the rest world for the official Olympic ranking system? The country with the most gold medals are on top and the little country with the least is right down there at the bottom. Makes sense. Right? Oh? Not here though. Over here they have America on top. They are way behind the Chinese when it comes to gold medals but that doesn’t matter. They argue that they have more of the other medals so they should be on top. And they’ll stick it where the medals don’t fit – just in case you wanna argue. American logic. Go figure.
And what’s up with Fahrenheit? It doesn’t make sense. You know there is no logic behind Fahrenheit right? Since when does water freeze at 32 degrees and boil at 212 degrees? You think there is logic behind that? Sorry to disappoint you. There isn’t. Let me give you a quote on how Mister Fahrenheit found zero… “Zero point is determined by placing the thermometer in a mixture of ice, water, and ammonium chloride, a salt. This is a type of frigorific mixture. The mixture automatically stabilizes its temperature at 0 °F. He then put an alcohol or mercury thermometer into the mixture and let the liquid in the thermometer descend to its lowest point.” WTF? Yeah… Right. What the heck is “frigorific?” Makes perfect sense. Like the World Series for American baseball teams… But then, Fahrenheit was German and I guess it was a German joke. And only Germans will get that. I mean really. They think the Hoff makes great music…
(Hum, Mister Celsius wasn’t actually that much better when he started off. He had boiling at zero degrees and freezing at 100 degrees at first. He was Swedish.)
And what’s up with the confusion between “d” and “t”. Americans throw a “d” in when it is meant to be a “t”. I have a permanent dig at my oldest daughter who keeps on telling me the “wada” is just great in the pond. What the hell is wada? New kind of fish? A luxury boat? Aah! Water. With a “t”. “Dwo slices of damado on my hoddog please. No kedchup.” Sounds like you are talking with a blocked noise. Here’s a hanky. And no, you can’t use it to cry in about getting your butt kicked at the Olympics. It could be worse. You could have a stupid President. Oops. Sorry. Didn’t mean to rub it in.
And how’s this “sue your ass off culture”? You heard about the woman who sued McDonald’s because they didn’t warn her that the coffee she just bought might be hot. And she won. Yes. She was from over here. But I got a few that might beat that one. And I am NOT joking.
A women from Dexas Texas won $80,000 after falling over a running toddler inside a furniture store. The owner was a bit surprised when he lost the case as it was her stupid kid that was running around and that she fell over.
A guy from LA won $74,000 when his neighbor ran over his hand with is car. The guy didn’t see his neighbor behind the wheel. He was too busy trying to steal the hubcaps.
A guy broke into a house while the owners were away on holiday. He tried to leave via the garage. But couldn’t open the door. And he accidentally locked the door to the house behind him. So he was stuck. For eight days. He sued the insurance company because of the mental anguish he suffered while being stuck in the garage and only being able to survive on some Pepsi he found in the garage. The jury gave him $500,000. Fair enough. I am a Coke man myself.
Another guy got $14,000 after his neighbor’s dog bit him in the ass. The dog was chained in the neighbor’s yard. The jury thought that the guy shouldn’t get the full amount he asked for because just maybe the dog was provoked when the guy climbed over the fence and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
A woman from Philly won $113,000 after she slipped on cooldrink (soda) that was lying on the floor. How did it get there? Oh, it was the cooldrink she threw at her boyfriend 30 second earlier.
But the best is the woman who bought a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home from a football game, just after she hit the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 miles per hour and got up and went to the back to make herself a sandwich. WTF? Apparently she was very surprised when the Winnebago left the road and crashed. She sued Winnebago for not telling her that she couldn’t do this. I mean really. What else could “cruise control” stand for? She won $1,750,000 and a new Winnebago. Winnebago also changed their manual afterwards. I think instruction number one should read, “Are you American?”…
A last few things that you can only get in America:
You can get pizza delivered faster than an ambulance would get to your house.
Pharmacies (drugstores) make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
People order double cheese burgers, large fries, and… a diet Coke.
And last question. Why do hot dogs come in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight?
Only in America. Gotta love it.
Note: I did some research on these court cases and comments. Someone commented on how ridiculous they are. especially the woman who won the Winnebago case. His comment is one of the best I have ever seen. Here it is…
“I think I’ll sue Hustler for giving my wrist carpal tunnel syndrome.”