Am I getting dated? I am sure I am going to lose track of how many I have done but I don’t think I will run out of news soon. Let’s have a look what has been cooking this week.

1. The pot calling the kettle…

President Bush decided to show some global leadership balls. On China. Calling them out on their human rights record. He is apparently not impressed. Good on you President Bush. Stand up against the (next) bully. Don’t let them push us around. Just please don’t invade them. We know how you get all worked up. This one might be a little bit to much for you to handle. Two big guys in the schoolyard getting ready for some “how’s your mother”? Nah. He won’t do much other than bitch a bit and then sit back and run in his Chinese made running shoes, watch Bill O’Reilly on his Chinese made television, and wave his Chinese made American flag. But there is another snag. Calling China out on their human rights record… Two words President Bush… Guantanamo Bay… Sorry, you lost your right to bitch about humans and their rights. Can’t have it both ways. No matter how big and strong you are.

2. I don’t give a flying…

You want a bag with that sir? That will be $15 thank you. Oh, you have two! Hand over another $25. We made you miss your flight and you need to change it? $150 please. Thirsty? A dollar for a cuppa Joe. As if you want to stay awake on this flight. You’ll have to pay for the movies in any case. But better to pay $5 to watch a movie I guess. Better than paying $7 for a blanket and a pillow. Next up? How much for a safety vets? We packed 5 – open bids start just after take-off. No wonder American airlines are going bankrupt. They offer nothing and charge you the world. And still can’t get you off the ground in time. Try this in Africa. Feeding people nothing and charging them for air… Here’s one I don’t get. Why is it that they charge per bag? Weight… It’s the weight that gets to them. Apparently the fuel costs are out of control and one way to save on fuel is by cutting down on the weight. Apparently, people still weigh more than the 400 tonne bloody airplane. Riiight… No, it’s true. They have a real obesity problem over here in the US. But what happens if I go on a diet? Can I get a discount? American airlines… Like the economy. Going down fast. At least the dollar lost value. Or else the airline greed might actually hurt. But not yet. So far it is only really stupid and funny. Their motto? I don’t give a flying…

3. I can’t recall, recall

We can’t afford to go to Disney yet (January maybe!), but we have found another way to entertain ourselves. We go to Whole Foods. It is just one amazing place for us Africans in America. The food so fresh they make Pamela Anderson blush and they use baby bottoms to wipe the apples because they are so delicate. Oh, Whole Foods. They have mist spraying over the fresh fruits and vegetables – it makes me feel as if I am on the farm or in the Amazon somewhere. And they have juices, cookies, hams and fruits to taste all over the place. We take the kids there on a Friday night. We call it “eating out”. I like to spoil my girls. Ah, Whole Foods – the amusement park for Africans. But they have a memory like a leaky watermelon those guys. They forgot to recall the bad meat. And then recalled that they had to recall. You see, they found E. Coli a few months ago from a company called Nebraska Beef. And it is not a Springsteen song. So all those “shops for the less privileged” like Costco and Stop & Shop (where we shop) had to make a huge recall of all the meat. But of course we knew Whole Foods wouldn’t be affected by it all. I mean really they feed their chickens organic Fairtrade corn with mint jelly and slaughter their cattle by massaging them slowly to death. And then it happened. Months later. Whole Foods had to recall the meat. Because they too bought from Nebraska Meat. But they recalled it months later. Only after they recalled that they bought meat from the same dude that Earl’s Meat Palace & Pet Shop bought his meat from. After it was already sold. Nice business plan Mr Mackey. It is at last off the shelf. But rest assured. It might have been E. Coli. But it was organic E. Coli.

How the E.Coli rumor started...

How the E.Coli rumor started...

4. Power less sharing

Crazy Uncle Bob and Tsvangirai are talking. Bah, humbug. Talking about ending the fight between the two of them that has been going on for months. Talking about sharing power. In some way. Sharing power. Was that a joke? Most of the country hasn’t had electricity for ages. Not since Mugabe needed it to keep his food warm and artificial heart pumping. And share what? There is nothing to share. Jack baby. Mugabe has already eaten the donkey and now wants to share the carcass? Twiddle Dee and Twiddle Dum doing the slow dance. Doing the slow dance to Power of Love or Careless Whisper? I think Bob was listening to I Got You Babe.

5. South Africa takes over England

I guess they had to do something. I mean really. They got their backsides kicked by the South Africans in cricket. Just a few months after getting their butts kicked in rugby. It’s a national pastime in South Africa. Beating the English in anything and everything. Ah, they thought they had the political one in the bag with Gordon Brown. Sorry dudes, our President Mbeki is pulling away in the lame-duck race. But back to the sports. So what do you think the Poms did after losing to us again? They appointed a South African as their captain. A guy who can’t make our team. He’s their best guy… And he is from Durban. It’s a bit like saying he’s from Texas. Minus the silly hats. But they are loud, have funny accents, like to talk about how great they are, but their leaders stink like Sue Ellen’s acting in Dallas. Hey, England! I have one for you. Why don’t you take Zuma? We won’t be able to beat that one.

6. China wins. Next year.

The US better take as many medals as they can at the Olympics in Beijing. Because China is about to take their lunch money. The US economy is going down the dumps. It’s slowing down faster than McCain without a cane first thing in the morning. Or me without coffee. Dropping faster than President Bush’s popularity. Yes. It is pretty bad. But here is the clincher. China will overtake America as the world’s largest producer of manufactured goods. Yes. China will push America off the top spot. A spot they have held for over 100 years. Will someone remember to switch off the lights when the last factory closes its door? The USA. Made in China.

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Hope to have better news next week. Yeah, right.

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Here we go again…

1. They virtually found Bin Laden

It’s been going on for months. Hunting down the Recruiters. Those terrorists who prey on the young and vulnerable. These terrorists are smart. They play the game the way the kids do. It starts with a chat. And it moves on to training at a special place – behind the guarded gates. Well, we now know the terrorists are hiding just behind those gates. If only we knew how to get in. You never know. Bin Laden might be hiding behind those walls. Who knows. Who knows. Problem is that the gates are difficult to get past. Not only is it heavily guarded, but it is virtually coded. What? I am talking about the government agency IARPA hunting down terrorists in the virtual gaming world. IARPA is not a character name, but out there to find new and innovative ways to hunt down terrorists. Cool idea. Really. No, really. I think they should try every angle to find those bastards. You never know, we might at last find out where Bin Laden has been hiding… Problem is that it seems as if they are struggling just as much to find virtual terrorists than real ones. So far they have only managed to hunt down a few kids who fit the profile. Wonder if they have thought of having a virtual “Gitmo” as well? Hey, torture is allowed in the virtual world. No need for a memo there.

2. The dark side of Global Warming

A lot have been said about Global Warming. The debate is raging on and on and on. Every scientist forms a new group with a new theory. Some deny it and other tell us about the new apocalypse. It’s become part of our cultural debate. Day in and day out. Households are torn. Father deny it’s getting hotter – it’s just the central heating that needs to be turned down. Daughters cry and accuse their parents of killing this little world they hoped to inherit. Friends are arguing in the ballparks (is Manny getting thinner because of the sauna affect?) and debating in the bars. Yes. It’s Global Warming – the OJ trail of nature. But we might just have reached tipping point. Where all those SUV and pick-up driving deniers of Global Warming might have met their maker. They are turning to the pro side now. Urging government to do something before this world of ours goes up in a ball of smoke. And who should we thank? Beer! Yes, good old beer. It seems as if Global Warming will hit that one place that really hurt – the beer belly. Beer experts (not the “expert” drinking type) are saying that those precious crops are in danger of getting hit by the hotter weather. So we won’t even be able to have a cold one when the frying starts. (Damn. Damn you all.) Now that is something that will get everyone hot under the collar.

3. Are you just happy to see me?

Is that a _______ in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? In Frisco – city of fun – it got a whole new meaning this week. San Francisco voted a while back that they wanted to ban all handguns in the city. I think they thought they were already a barrel of fun and didn’t need anything more to prove that they are men. I don’t know if it was because I visited them earlier in the week, but the “will of the people” of San Francisco was overturned this week. The ban on handguns got overturned – thank you NRA. Now the place where men are well… pretty much anything they want to be, can carry their concealed weapons again. And we can again ask them – is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Actually, I don’t know if it needs to be concealed or whether it means they can just let it all hang out. It is Frisco after all. Back to “if you’ve got it – flaunt it” I guess.

4. McCain and Jeffrey Dahmer

These so-called Conservatives just don’t know about being subtle do they? And one of the speakers, David Bellavia, said, “Rest assured that people like Senator McCain will be the goal and the men that my two young boys will emulate an admire. You can have your Tiger Woods. We have Senator McCain.” Now where do I even start with this? Was he trying to be funny? About the best golfer in the world? You want to tell me there wasn’t a racial tone in this? That people should support Phil Michelson and not the black dude that is beating his ass week in and week out? Okay – let’s play the race game. “Rest assured that people like Senator Obama will be the goal and the men that my two young girls will emulate an admire. You can have your Jeffrey Dahmer (or any other bad white dude). We have Senator Obama.” Puh-lease. Stop the racial slurs – you are not even being subtle. You are just being stupid. Next thing is you will start calling the Vietnamese gooks. Oh, sorry – you did.

5. RIP Robert Mugabe… or maybe not

Bob, Bob, Bob. What the hell are we going to do with you? I mean really. This is not even funny anymore. You control the newspapers. You control the television. You control the radio. You control the farms. You control the army. You control the police. You control the economy. Oh, sorry – you don’t control the economy. Not at 100,000% inflation. (Not a joke.) But you control everything in Zimbabwe except the economy and your wife’s shopping at Harrod’s. You even control the judicial system and the elections. You set up the Zim election body and filled it with your guys. And then you somehow still manage to lose the election! How the bloody hell did you get that right? I mean come on. You are giving tyrants across the world a bad name. At least you are standing up and refusing to even give us the official results a week after all the other results are in – even after it was posted outside the poll stations. And arrested your own puppets who ran the elections – demanding a recount. I guess your education system is failing faster than the economy. Your own puppets can’t even add enough votes for you to win. And it looks like you are staging a coup against the government of Zimbabwe. Wait a minute. You are the government of Zimbabwe. Sorry Bob. It is getting a bit much now. Just get the hell out of there for us to start looking after your people. It is obvious you can’t hear their crying and dying. Bye-bye Bob. The sooner the better.

That’s it folks. See ya all next week for more news. Maybe…

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